Narchotic life

almost 1/2

2010-05-29T14:39:00.000+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4OXrmxDp44

It's been almost half a year and I'm still with my sweet Rastaman. The first-date thrill is gone, making place to something a lot better: the love-thrill. We had a lot to learn these months. It's in a way just like school: Everyday you learning something new. I learned under his lovefull guidance about respecting each other and helping each other. You know when you have one of those bad, bad days, when you wake up and it's raining, there's a lot of stuff waiting to be done and before you even crawl down from the bed, your body says 'No, no, no, you're not going anywhere. I'm sick.' And you try and curse and try again and get angry and feel very upset and very very alone. And the next thing you know is that you're putting it all out on the person you care most for. That shouldn't happen. Ever.
But it does, and it does to all of us, no matter the race, color, gender or bank account. Well when it happened to me, my lover went for a walk. No drama, no bad words, no fight. And to be honest, this is what hurt the most of it all. The fact that in that second, instead of feeding my bad energy and bad mood, he took his coat and went for a walk. In the seconds when I was listening to his footsteps down the stairs, I felt my whole body break into sharp glass. And it wasn't about me being sick anymore, it wasn't about the bad weather, it wasn't even about being upset. It was just the sound of the one being here for me day and night, that was slowly walking with his eyes in the ground. And that very moment I realized how important it is to never, never, never take it out on anyone. It's my own responsability if I choose to be sad or happy, optimistic and pessimistic, good or bad, angry or chill. It's what I make of everything that counts. And out of his maybe not so tactful attempt of being there for me when I was bad, I made something that pushed us away from each other. And that distance hurt more than anything he could ever do.
We also learned trust. I learned that trust can be earned and that it's good to be like that. I learned also that he deserves my trust. I learned that the more we trust each other, the more easy it is to feel loved. I learned that by trusting the person sleeping next to me and receiving trust back, jealousy and lack of air will not come. Do you know why? Because we get to know each other too well to let things like this put us down. And I feel happy to know that my lover is happy. And the more I trust him, the better it gets. Honesty and calm never counted so much as they do now. And I like it that way. I feel I'm finally next to a grown-up that can keep his word. I feel that not only are we in a beautiful relationship, but we are also fortunate enough to enjoy each other every single day. We do things together and this brings us closer. We do things separately and this brings us even closer. We do things for each other and that is proving love in all the ways I can think of.
We learn love-making all over again. As each evening we fall asleep arms in arms, each day we give each other more and more. It's nowhere I ever thought it could be. Instead of going dull, our relationship grows so beautiful!
I thank in my mind every night I fall asleep, for I've been so fortunate to meet such a wonderful person. I love you my dear Rastaman! You little...

No matter how far

2010-05-13T23:40:00.000+03:00

I love my Rastaman. No matter how I put it, it's still the same. I love him till the middle of Earth and back. Maybe even further.
We've been away for a day now. It seems unusual,awkward even. After months and months of sleeping next to each other, I found myself alone in my bed for the first time last night. I slept well, but I somehow felt an empty space. I love his sleepy eyes, I love his hot kiss before I first open my eyes, I miss diving into his chest and loosing myself at the smell of his skin. I think about him, I dream about him, I speak about him. He's an endless spring of fresh water. He's my hope when I keep my head in my hands trying to find a way, he's my courage when I feel hopeless, he's my strength when I'm sick. He puts me together and right back on my feet with his warm, loving way. I say his name and my face blooms into a pink blossom. I browse through my pictures and his calm eyes slow my breath. I remember him slowly, move by move, word by word, and I feel higher,
like never again. Belonging to him in a way makes me feel free. I love you dear Rastaman. I can't get tired of saying it. I can't get sick of saying it, I can't get enough of feeling it.
I feel I belong in your life in a strange way. I feel you make me a luckier person. I feel you make me more powerful, more peaceful and more beautiful with every kiss. I feel it's all right to give, it's wonderful to give, it's fulfilling to share everything with you my love.
I dream again and again about the moment when I'll be lost inside you.

Deeper under the skin

2010-05-03T12:12:00.000+03:00

I've visited the big city. It was such a wonderful experience, although it wasn't anything related to sightseeing. I've finally put an end to some things that have been tormenting me for a long time. But this isn't even what I wanted to write about.
I'll tell you about me and my dear Rastaman. We spent the week-end at his place and I met his family. His mother is like a fairy. She doesn't show her age at all. She reminds me of my mom so much that at times I was close to crying.
I know now that there's a meaning. I did have to travel in another country to see the big picture, but it's clear now. Making love can get better and deeper every time. There are people that seem to have been meant for you to meet. My feelings opened new roads and tore down walls. I feel I grew as a human being through this relationship. I feel I'm figuring out what I've been asking myself.
Future doesn't seem scary anymore.

Letter for my darling

2010-04-13T16:02:00.000+03:00

Dear Rastaman,

I want you to know that I am really happy to be next to you. I’ve been grumpy and hard to understand, you told me you sometimes find it hard to tell what I’m feeling. I am mad happy when you’re hugging me darling. I’m close to crying when we sleep together because I realize how blessed I am to have you here.
I change moods so much because I’m fighting this way I am. I know it’s not helping me, you or our relationship to play stupid guessing games and I want to stop hiding. I love you so very much and I sometimes have a hard time because I insist in keeping my feet on the ground. The more I know you, the more I like you. The more you smile at me, the more I realize what a wonderful, wonderful person you are and how easy and nice having a relationship with you is. And I get scared because I never want to go back to what I’ve been through before I met you. I get frightened that I’ll do something stupid or you’ll get bored of me or who knows what other stupid ridiculous thoughts. And I take a step back, thinking that in case this happens, the pain will not be as big. Being with you is such joy; it’s like a red sunrise on the beach. Not being with you will not destroy me, but it will hurt and I will maybe loose a bit of faith. But I do realize that this way of mine for trying to keep on guard is not good for our relationship. Because the more time passes, the more I like you and the more I would hurt if this would end. So the more we get stronger, the more I try to keep a step away so I won’t be hurt. But this is just making you feel guilty for something that you never do and me, isolate myself, build walls so that pain won’t reach me. I see now that next to the pain, behind the wall I’m building, is also love, honesty and the true relationship. What I’m living is slowly going from reality to what I see with my ‘objective’ eyes. The over analyzing is destroying my feelings and through that, our relationship too.
I want our relationship to be true; I want it to happen in real life, not to be a projection in my head. I want to allow myself to open up in front of you without being afraid you’ll stop liking me because I’m not mysterious anymore. Meeting you seems meant to be in a way and I refuse to let my fear destroy it. No matter what will happen, I want what we have to be real and honest. I give my word that I will do my best to stop these silly things. I could also use your help. I find it hard to ask, but I do feel more relaxed and further from these thoughts if you speak to me about how you feel. I calm down when we’re intimate to each other and all these stupid thoughts go really far, far away after we make love. I only get weird when I feel I don’t receive attention. But I judge it different. For example, I feel you’re not giving me attention when you go on the internet and stop talking to me or touching me. Because I want to give you privacy, I try always not to stand close to the screen or not to look at the screen, but this implies I stay somewhere on the bed, so that even if I look your way and I see the screen, it’s too far to read, so I know that you know that I look at you and not at what you’re doing if you’re speaking to someone. But this way, I’m usually far away from you so I can’t hold you and usually you’re preoccupied to what you’re doing and there’s a silence that I don’t always know how to deal with. I want you to have enough space and to know I’m not trying to intrude. But I do want to feel you here too.
I don’t want you to change, because it’s who you are that I fall in love with. I like you with all your habits, all your silly jokes that no matter how indecent are, always make me laugh and hug you tight. I like the kid in you just as much as I like the man in you, I like the friend that doesn’t judge me and also the lover that thrills me, I like the funny faces you make and I like how you close your eyes while you kiss me.
My dear Rastaman, I see you and I walk together by the sea and I feel somehow I could explode out of so much happiness.

I love you

200 Posts Anniversary

2010-04-02T17:16:00.002+03:00

On such an important occasion, as my 200th post on this blog, I decided to go a bit through what happened in the last year, look with a much more critical eye and draw some conclusions, as any determined self-learner.
I will briefly speak about the main things that happened, how I reacted back then and why, what I thought and felt, and what I understood from each of them.

1. The Dark Ages and the Wild Years

This is the part when I broke up with the guy I spent 5 years of my life next to, and the after-party. Basically, I was living in an unhealthy relationship based on fear and emotional addiction, separated from my real self and really unhappy. It was a very scary step to take, considering the fact that this was my first serious relationship and really wanted it to work for the sake of true love. It didn't and true love seemed to chip a bit of its polish. I was scared but I did it and the short term effects were devastating. It was just like getting off drugs. I had to learn to do everything again, I had to learn to stay alone and I had to keep my direction straight thinking of the better times to come. I felt agressed by my ex, who found out about my blog and felt the need to read and comment although I asked him not to.
After the break-up, there was a lot of adrenaline running in my life, as I cross-pather with Mr. 5a.m. But that's second part. Inbetween relationships, I kept going out and meeting different "wrong" guys.

What I think now?
I don't hate my ex. He was a part of my life, with good and bad. What he never seemed to understand by keeping track of all my moves, is that this relationship is really over. There's no in-between or second thought. I thank him for the times spent together and for learning me some good lessons, even though that was through painful and irrational ways. I'm not sorry for taking this step.
As for the rest of this period, I did do some wild things, but not as bad as the coming summer. All I did was because I felt I had lost a part of my life through the previous relationship. I know it sounds harsh, but why eat shit and say I didn't? So I basically had no interest in serious relationships whatsoever. I remained truly convinced of that until one morning at 5.

2. The Teenage Love Adventure

And so, I met Mr.5a.m. in a bar. And I never thought I'd be serious with him. What happened from my point of view is easy: started dating for fun, ended up falling too much, and in agony after never even being properly dumped. I felt desperate and terribly alone. I felt dead inside and I swore many times that if ripping the skin off would help, I would do it. I waited hoping, not for him comming back, but for an answer. I tried to ask him to tell me the words but never really got hold of anything else but his avoidance. And my true-love hope chipped even more.

What I think now?
It was a wonderful thing to happen because it gave me hope. It gave me a reason to think, it gave me teenage thrills, and one time, it even gave me love. Too bad that didn't last. I thought a lot about what happened. I thought so much, that I learned my thoughts word-by-word. I understood that he was scared and insecure. I know he wanted to look brave and careless and that he wasn't. But he never realised I knew all that and I liked him just like he was. I do think sometimes that he was waiting for a reason to break up. Whatever the context, I don't hate him either. I feel a bit sorry for him for being so afraid to get in touch with his own feelings. He could find so much confort if he would learn to focus on what he likes and not on what's cool. I was indeed really in love with him. Maybe it was also because we got together soon after my long relationship. I do realise that our relationship was close to impossible to keep with thousends of kilometers in between. Although I would have tried, if that was the case. It took me a long time to get over him and I did cry a lot. But that doesn't make me stupid or less human. It makes me brave. I got over him and walked further. In our one or two internet encounters, all he transmitted through his hidden refusal of casually and friendly (not romantically) encounter, is that he still has to grow up a lot. So I hope he'll understand it one day and I hope he'll find a wonderful girl to love. One that loves him just as much, one he will really assume a relationship with.

3. Wild thing

And the most crazy part of last year begins: music, alcohol and guys. In this order. I started listening to more and more music. I started from different clubs, gone to music festivals, had musician flirts, went to see great dubstep djs live and started a relationship with one of them in the end. It was crazy and I went completely wild, didn't take any restrictions and didn't make any plans because I knew it won't last. I was going to leave for a masters anyway. But with this, I also learned the reverse of this side: I felt more alone than ever, I felt used and lost, I felt angry and I cried for disappointment.

What I think now?
It was worth it. I look back and I know that it was a good experience. And as crazy as it might seem, it put me more in touch with myself than anything. I learned about the different lights in which one can see you, I learned that being a muse is not always a good thing and that true love doesn't come with a six-pack of beer.

4. Trying to chill

I arrived for my new life in a different country. I basically started my life from scratch. I got a new house, new flatmates, new uni, new friends and new dates. One of them felt a wise decision, so I tried things the other way around: from relationship to learning to love someone. It didn't work. My relationship with Mr.DJ started based not on romantical interest, but based on what I should do: find a good, smart, honest and hardworking man to have a grown up relationship with. But a relationship can't go on without feelings, so as he was falling for me, I more and more saw him as my best friend. And we broke up saying we'll be friends instead. That didn't work either.

What I think now?
I feel bad for making him hurt. I honestly thought that it would work the other way around. I thought that if we spend enough time togeher, I will learn to love him. I was wrong and I made him suffer. I wish we could be friends, but I understand that he doesn't think the same. He was a wonderfull friend to have and I thank him for that. I hope that girl he's waiting for will come in his way soon. I hope he'll be happy with her and that someday he'll feel different and want to meet for a coffee like good old pals. I know he's going to go really famous one day. He's so devoted and talented that it would be incredible not to. And I'll always laugh about the groupie talk.
This learned me to think reasonable and follow my intuition. I tried to and it seems to work, although the beginning was hard.

5. Charleston Butterfly

And my adventure with Rastaman begins suddenly in a lazy evening when I looked up. There he was, here he is now. I feel I finally got to that mature relationship. I feel loved, respected, appreciated and wanted. I wake up happy next to his smiling face, we shower and make breakfast together. We walk hand in hand, we kiss all of a sudden, we hug closely. He gives me massages when I'm in pain, he tells me I'm really hot after I get histerical because of my PMS, he makes love to me every night. He listens when I talk to him and he understands me. He is supportive and non-judgemental. He trusts me and we made the promise never to go to sleep upset.

What do I think?
I think I'm blessed. I'm learning to open up in front of someone again. I'm learing that trust is possible and that honesty is the most important. I feel richer inside and calmer next to him. I stress sometimes too much because I want this to work. He understands and this makes me more willing to share and feel. This is a real relationship. Finally, I found out they do exist. This is one of them.
I feel our relationship is becoming stronger and stronger with every day. I'm in love.

No sleep

2010-03-19T03:41:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I can't fall asleep at night. I lay in bed wrapped in Rastaman's arms with my eyes closed and think away. I blink sleepy, and while I get used to the dark in the room, the shadows and objects take funny shapes that scare me. But then I feel his heat on my back and I feel safe.
I slide slowly from his melting embrace and sit on my chair with my feet on the table and my knees to my head. I roll a cigarette slowly and light it. I love the colour it takes in the dark. I pull the curtains a bit and look outside. It's sometimes so foggy and cold that it makes me shiver. I smoke while I listen to my lover's rhythmic breath. And I get so calm and peaceful, it's just as if time stood still. I'm here, a glance in the late night, ripped apart from all the rest of the world. I listen to songs in my head while I get slowly cold because of my bare feet.
My hands feel numb and my head so heavy... I wonder where I'll be tomorrow.
I wonder, even now, after so much time, how did this happen. I thought that I knew what some things are but I now realise I didn't. Life with Rastaman doesn't respect plans and schedules. It always kinda slips away in an unexpected way, only to find me smiling while admiring his loving face. I didn't know a lot although I thought I did.
He teaches me so much without even knowing it. I learned that love is good. It's calm and supporting. It's reliable and kind. At the same time, love is passionate. Even now, it still feels as if we make love for the first time. I get the goose bumps when he's kissing my neck. I get lost in my emotions as our naked bodies touch. I didn't imagine anything like this. I might have known a few fellas, but none of them took me for a walk on this side of town. And while I grew sure relationships get boring and dull, this just seems to get better and better.
I feel listened to, I feel cared for, I feel trusted and respected. I feel blessed. Everyday nonsense gets me down, but his way of speaking makes me understand how pointless my sadness is. He takes care of me with so much love that I feel amazed. And as I find myself surprised every now and then by his way, and whisper 'I love you', he smiles cheeky and says 'I love you too darling'.

nothing

2010-03-05T22:39:00.000+02:00

So this song is a psychedelic brain-messing dream:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBIdw7e4jg0&feature=related

Dark skin

2010-02-27T12:37:00.001+02:00

Last night was so good! There's this afro-beat party that we go to every month. We went again and danced together. It's so overwhelming to be there. The bar is quite small but it's full of people. Drums sound arousing faster and faster. Rastaman is holding me and kissing my neck as I close my eyes.
He asked me if I noticed people look after us on the street. I didn't notice, but I think he's right. I don't know if they're doing it in the good or in the bad way, but I feel proud of being next to him. Even if our skins are different colours, inside we're very alike. And his dark skin could never compare to anything. So what if we look like milk and chocolate together? This is so amazing and beautiful for me that I would never want to change it. And all the people outside judging could never make a change. In him I found what I've never seen in others. It gets so clear and so right when we're body to body that nothing else remains.

Perfect day

2010-02-26T23:23:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHNHsWSs8Ww

I woke up in Rastaman's loving arms. I kissed him long and we had shower together, like every morning. Later, I met him in the city and we walked around window-shopping. We had sushi at a restaurant together. Took the bus hand in hand, kissing. He helped me with my grocery shopping and we planned our good night. We're having bloody mary and we'll soon go to a cool Afro-beat party. We'll dance together all night and we'll sleep together after. His kisses will come like rain, all over my body. I'll be smiling and then biting my lips till blood. His smooth body will be against mine, so hot and insatiable. I'm in love and I adore making love with him. He seems to be made for my body. I don't think I've ever felt so relaxed and good when sleeping with anyone. It's sometimes like he's reading my mind. And we can't get enough of each other. As we lay emptied of all energy, we look into each other's eyes and kiss as if there was no tomorrow.

Round age for Mr.DJ

2010-02-23T12:22:00.000+02:00

It's Mr.DJ's birthday today!
I wish I could meet him for coffee and give him a present. I wish we could have a lovely talk on the phone. But we can't. I was hoping we could, so I wrote last week, but he made it clear he doesn't want to speak to me. Don't know if yet or ever, but I do miss him lots. I sometimes listen to his songs and I remember how much fun we used to have, how we went to have breakfast at the cafe that remembered me of pulp fiction and that played the same song every time we were there. I remembered how I used to dance on his music and how I asked him to teach me how to make music. I remember the last time I went by his place how he let me try to make music too. It was fascinating.
I miss our talks. I miss laughing so hard at our stupid jokes. Dear Mr.DJ, I miss our friendship so much. I can't just burst into your life and force you to go for a coffee. Still, I'd like to send you all the good thoughts and hopes, I know all your dreams will come true and I'm sure next year will take you to where you really belong and where you feel happy.
Happy birthday my beloved friend!

She's rising to the sun

2010-02-22T12:53:00.000+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bw6_Ea8GHYQ&feature=related

My grandma died yesterday. It feels empty and cold. I wonder if she's good there. She must be better than here. I remembered her and how she used to be fond of me for speaking German. And how she looked out the window, how she walked barefoot through the yard and how she used to stay on the bench out in the sun looking far away, as if she would be travelling over the hills, over the rivers and mountains, over by the sea. I will always remember her very blue eyes that seemed so calm and so restless at the same time. I remember her hands with short nails and her button nose that made her a funny sweet figure. And how she hugged me short but strong, how she looked at me smiling and I was too small to understand. How I would sometimes find her far away in the garden and I would climb up trees to get fruit for dinner. I remember the pickles she made and she kept in the dungeon. And I remember the food, the mashed potatoes with fried onions, and the chicken soup with noodles, and the house-made ice-cream. And the cookies. And the bag full of dolls from the attic. And how she was cooking and I was looking at her fascinated, how we used to go take water out from the well. How she stood with my grandfather in the doorway and waved while we left.
Good bye dear grandma, have a wonderful universe trip! I love you.

Sunday mornings

2010-02-20T17:15:00.001+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwfrCLNj8y0

Time passes different here. It has a different flow. Sundays don’t feel sad and boring and terribly long, like they used to back home. Sundays here are waking up late next to you and seeing your sleepy face brighten up. And laying naked caressing your chocolate skin. And the dim light flowing gently in behind my curtains. Easy cigarette smoke rises in waves and circles. From my lips to the ceiling there’s a loving silence and soft skin. I find myself in you in any way I can think of. Slowly, gentle, then fast and thrilling, erotic and arousing and rough and straight. It makes my hair to rise and my pupils to dilate. I find me over and over again here, in your protecting arms, forgotten and abandoned and terribly happy. I drink my coffee peeking on you and it feels like doing a bad bad thing when you’re a kid… it gives me chills and I blush and laugh full of shame. But I’m there next to you and I feel your joy. I feel you understand what I’m thinking and you see behind fences and walls. And this makes me courageous, this makes me proud, this makes me crazy and excited at the same time. I look at your dark dreadlocks and kiss your forehead, then your nose and your eyes. And I smile. Then I run my fingers around your cheeks and your lips and your chin. I loose my hands in your hair as I look out the window at the sky. It never seems so cloudy when you’re here. I put your head on my chest and close my eyes, feeling your every breath. I feel when you blink on my neck and it tickles. It makes me smile. I remember this morning you were tickling me before I woke up. And I kept twitching and giggling. And I turned and kissed you before I opened my eyes for the first time after sleep. And I was happy to find you again.
I slip my hands under your shirt and up your spine. I breathe on your neck and your shoulders while you slowly pull my head to the back and kiss my lips. And we stay like this for a long, long time, because time doesn’t matter now. And then we wonder again and again how and why. And we listen to some song that reminds you or me about something. And we end up looking in each other’s eyes while we’re telling stories from far far away. I love my Sundays with you darling!

Getting closer

2010-02-18T20:25:00.001+02:00

I love my Rastaman. He seems closer and closer and closer every day. And it feels good, great, awesome. When I'm going to sleep, he holds me close and I feel nothing could ever happen to me. I feel safe in his arms, I feel happy and I can see it in him too.
I feel aroused when he's kissing me, it's unbelievable how this happens. Because I am here, in my room, with him. And he is really here. All here. This can't possibly be bad. Waking up next to him makes my day go great. This is awesome!

Looooooooovemakin'

2010-01-30T11:51:00.007+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5VQV8jTl5Q&feature=related

And suddenly I have nothing to prove anymore. Because it's not about other people anymore, it's only about us. I think I finally understood that words have no meaning, and what matters are the facts.
My Rastaman makes me really happy. We rarely speak about feelings, but when we do we both blush. I can only tell he's blushing because he's got a funny look on his face and his eyes get smaller, like two black birds. We hug much, we sometimes steal each other soft and quick kisses while other times we kiss so long and passionate that the whole love making seems like a huge kiss. Yes, I guess we're making love. I get red even when I write this. It's actually a funny story.
I love the flat he's living in. It's got huge windows from the floor to the ceiling. I can still remember the first morning after, when we were laying naked in his bed and watching people pass on the street. People rarely look up so we didn't pull the curtains at all that day. The sun was diving in the room like a crazy disco-ball.
Going back to last night, after eating at this lovely vegetarian restaurant, we stopped by his place to get some stuff. He will move out at the end of this week. The flat's beauty is reflected in its price I guess... Anyhow, I wanted to be with him one more time in that room. I always like to go back to the places where special things happened. And that was, I think, the last look back.
As we were laying in his huge bed, I said to him this doesn't feel like sex. It feels like more. And he asked joking but with a witty look on his face: What does it feel like then? Loooovemakin'?
Joke or not, each time we referred to sex from that point on, he said love instead.
My Rastaman is joy. He is madness. He is comforting silence. But, first time in my couples life, he is not pain. He is not lingering sadness, he is not regret, he is not missing, he is not cold, he is not ignoring, he is not child-like, he is not jealous. Oh Rastaman, we will be asking ourselves the same question some time from now on. So, in the end, how did this ever happen?

Too happy to be creative anymore

2010-01-28T21:43:00.003+02:00

I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man. I look at myself and can't be thankful enough to the stunning way everything went. I keep being surprised by the perfect timing. I keep being amazed by how good and natural we get along with each other. Holding him feels as natural as drinking water. It fills me in some unexplainable way. I'm trying hard to keep away cliches from this, but hard enough, it seems even talking about relationships is a cliche. Still, nothing in our relationship gives me a bad feeling. Being myself proved more than good enough. It's weird to say it. I've said it over and over again. I find I don't know what to write about.
I'm happy. You know that by now.

Words

2010-01-19T02:34:00.004+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNwP5iOZFUE
One word. It can be. Maybe two. Or three, or four. Or much more.
Rastaman makes the stress go away. And I make it come back. Day by day, I keep running the same circles and I'm astonished by the dimensions this can take. But he can make it all go away with a kiss.
Oh, I so hate myself sometimes when I can't stop worrying. He knows and I guess he accepts me like this. I guess I'll get over it one day. And it's not about trust, I do trust him more and more every day. It's about my crazy, crazy mind. About my crazy, crazy self-analysis, about my crazy, crazy way of over-thinking. Of keeping myself busy. But he can make even that go away when he holds me.
I like sleeping naked in his arms. I like waking up and seeing him look at me and smile. I like to talk to him about everything there is in this world. I like to listen to his stories of worlds so far away. I like to walk along in my mind and to picture the places he speaks about with a huge joy in his eyes. I almost see those people. I almost taste those foods. I almost hear that music. It's a pleasant reverie.
Words are connecting us and by words our worlds melt into eachother. Words are what I love most, words are my only super-power. Only by words can I share and only by words I get carried away. I was thinking whether he's a word or not. But I think I can't make him only a word. There can't be only one word to express him like he is for me. Maybe a sentence? But that would be not enough. Maybe an essay. Makes me smile. You can't write an essay on that. Can I? I decided I can't, because it should have a title. One that could resume it. And I get back to the one word I started from.
Oh, such nonsense! There is one word. One I've said many times lately. It's easy, it's Rastaman. And by that I have him all in.

My baby's gloves

2010-01-12T22:30:00.003+02:00

It's almost night and I should be working on my projects. But hey, this is what a relationship does to you sometimes!
Rastaman lost his thick, hot, woolen gloves. He's been searching around for them all over. In the end, with a sad face he concluded that his hands are going to freeze till he's got the time to buy a new pair. And we were speaking about the pretty gloves he had, how he got them when I got my candles, for New Years'. That's when we went shopping together, remember? I think I was kinda attached to his gloves too. Funny thing to say!
Later on, he went to work and me back to banging my head on all the walls of my room. The funny and sad thing is that whenever I've got so much work, I could do anything to run away from it. So, in my fake attempt to pretend I was doing something as useful as finishing my semester projects, I started cleaning my room. Not small was my surprise when in a bag that I thought empty, I found the very object of our earlier mourning: his woolen gloves.
I picked them up smiling and feeling so very content. I looked at them and smelled them to find his sweet skin smell there. I put them on slowly almost feeling guilty.
You know those people that get aroused by wearing their partner's clothes? I'm the lamer version of it: With them on my hands, I grabbed my shoulders and remained like this for a long, long time. Then, I've put my hands on my face like he does and I closed my eyes. It's almost like he was here for a second! All this got me so relaxed all of a sudden.
I feel a bit awkward for doing it. I feel undercovered for writing about it. I feel nervous for him reading this. Still, this made me so dreamy that I can't keep it for myself!
Yes my dear Rastaman, I'm getting high on your gloves!

The way in

2010-01-11T13:33:00.003+02:00

How can we still bear ourselves? How can we walk in the sunshine with a fake smile pretending nothing has happened. How can we go on with so much to carry, with so many buried secrets? How can we wash blood with fake tears?
This will go on forever and unlike stories, nobody will learn out of it. No one will remember. We'll keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and we'll only see it when it's done.
Freedom seems a price too big to pay. There's no freedom in the outside world and we only have one way to be free. It's inside. It's in our thoughts. I'm not saying anything new for any of you. I won't make a difference by reminding it to you. You'll read this and then go and do the same again. And I might do the same too.
But I try to remember as much as I can that it's not outside where I can find answers, it's in. And the only role of the outside is to bring the focus back in. All we find has the only purpose of showing us the way back to ourselves. It's so clear now, but so hidden.
I cried for people I never met. I cried for their, if you forgive me, childish dreams. I cried because I have the same dream and now more than ever I see it's never going to happen. World peace? I wish.
Call me a hippie, call me a fool, call me anything you want, it won't touch me. Rarely, I'm free in my thoughts, and although I keep it to myself, it shows.
I believe in life. I believe in diversity. I believe in love. I believe in people. I believe that all of us have a human side. I believe we're all good in our way. Even if it lies there inside and never comes out, I believe in it. Although I wish I could scream and ask why, it's been done before. We can find answers, but they won't heal. We can find truth, but it's not going to make anything better.
In the end, what I wanted to say is the only thing we can find that helps is strength. We need to find the strength to keep going, to keep our serenity, to keep our hearts away from our heads. We need to believe in our own freedom of mind and pursue it. There's no way back to Eden but the one inside. Our quest won't end.
The only prize we will win is the capacity to bring peace to our soul more often. And for that, there's no price to pay.

What do you think my dearest?

2010-01-10T02:06:00.003+02:00

How about me in a short black dress, black heels, black tights, this song in the background ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqCPComAFIM ) and candles, lots of them.
I'll let you think about this tonight.

My muse

2010-01-09T17:23:00.002+02:00

It's snowing slowly. Slowly and white, the world outside my window seems like a crystal globe. A lost bird is flying high and low without purpose. I'm smoking my cigarette while I listen to Sara Gonzalez.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UebCEGXn8xg
She's been obsessing me for a couple of days now. And her voice is the only one giving my voice an echo between all those books. I got desperate last night. I cried with my mind empty while standing on my knees on the white carpet. The house was really quiet and I was weeping for nothing. Well, stress can do that. I do it sometimes and that moment, the only one that can enter my loneliness is music. She healed me again last night. After the tears dried on my cheeks and the cigarette burned till the filter, forgotten in my hand, it came to me. Like it always comes. Slowly, peaceful, like a queen approaching her throne. And I was calm again. I found it inside of me like I always do. My muse is always there, waiting quiet and nervous like a virgin. And she gave herself to me all and I fed of her again. And if filled my sleep with endless thoughts. It makes sense again.

Laying among my flowers

2010-01-08T13:56:00.005+02:00

I'm flying. Not alone this time. It's the two of us and this time you're holding my hand. You're holding me so tight that I can barely breathe, but I'm happy. And I want it that way. I know now how it's supposed to feel.
I give myself to you darling without any regret. No second thought, because I feel you. I see you.
My garden is blooming. The flowers grew big, as big as the mountains and as colourful as the rainbow. They all smell of cocoa and sunny beaches. They all smell of you. I lay down among them, they opened joyfully to the sunlight. The petals gently touch my face as the breeze makes them slowly dance. Just like the way we dance when we're together. Breath to breath, I feel easy and free. I vibrate under your chocolate palms. Only me and you know the secret of my shiver and only you and me know the candlelight thrill.
I wish there were a thousand more words, so I could paint it here the way I did it in my mind. You know what I'm talking about and although I can't see it through your eyes, I can see it in them. I see myself with my eyes closed, my head on your chest. I don't have any more questions. I know it's real.
And even if we can never say how much this will last, what we're living now can't be undone. It can't be taken away. And this secret you and me have is well kept.

Lhasa De Sela

2010-01-05T15:04:00.003+02:00

Although I don't bring too much of the outside reality to my blog, I will do it now and ask you to give 5 minutes of your time thinking about this.
Lhasa De Sela passed away and this came as a huge shock to me. I discovered her music some years ago thanks to a friend and I keep discovering it passionate. Sounds odd, but I do think she will be as alive for me in her songs, as she was until now.
Rest in peace!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SLcSoAmONs

and the fear is going away

2010-01-04T02:51:00.002+02:00

I'm happy. Beyond all puzzles and questions in my head, I'm happy. I feel the difference and I can only say it was about time. It was about time to stop thinking stupid thoughts, about time to turn from past to present, about time to blush again and about time to feel. I feel hot and cold and sun and rain and clean sheets and fresh air. I feel the world awakening inside me like it used to, time ago. I feel inspired to write. I keep asking myself things but this only gets me to more writing, which can't be bad. I realise I did have the right attitude and now I see that the things not meant for you will go away. Now I understand the best thing for me was to let go. Always let go and have no fear because it if counts, it will stay there and if it doesn't... you figured that out.
I'm tired of thinking into clichees and it truly frightens me to have nothing to say. Still, here, in my garden, there's so many things I haven't said before. And even if I did, I'll never say them the same twice.
It's late and I'm having a cider in my room. No music now, I needed to hear my thoughts. I'll go to sleep with his taste on my lips. And the fear is going away.

Happy New Year's... eve?

2010-01-02T12:38:00.002+02:00

Dark entering slowly through the crowded streets while me and Rastaman are walking hand in hand. We left my place at noon to do last minute alcohol shopping. Had a hot chocolate while freezing to death on the cafe terrace. Then we walked around and I helped him pick his new year's eve shirt. Blue and green, that's a nice one, I tell ya!
And then he took me out for lunch. We ate portuguese. Mmm, that chicken was GOOD! So we get back to right now, when we're heading slowly uphill while the wind is pushing us back and making us gather closer together. Yes, I'm happy and my face froze in a blissed smile. My eyes got tiny but my pupils dilate when I turn my head towards him. Still can't believe.
Although it's so clear now, it still seems dream-like. While we enter the house, my glasses fill with steam. And my cheeks burn.
We started drinking since 6 so by 10, we're all drunk. We head for this house party where we don't really know anyone. But this is when it all turns around in a totally characteristic way: while me and Rastaman fool around kicking each other and laughing, I trip by his foot and spread like a bag of potatoes on the pavement. I also need to mention that we were going downhill, so my fall is followed by a two meters sliding. As I get up feeling really stupid and saying to myself "This is not good!", I realise my tights broke and both my knees are bleeding. It soon starts hurting so we get in the cab and 5 minutes to midnight, we're back at my place. We say happy new year's from bed and then hug and fall asleep. The first thing I say when I wake up is sorry But then he says I should stop that, cause all he wanted to do is stay with me so he did that. And yes, I blushed again. And then he said that my broken tights made me look even sexier. Well how could you not get filled with enthusiasm?
Rastaman filled my room with cocoa butter smell and my body with chills. Still a very good start for the new year.

In the empty streets

2009-12-29T18:51:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ4JB2KBQ_w
So I was right. Guess I know it all... the curse of knowing. It really is a curse because it always turns out to be what you knew and although you try to hope and make it different, it always goes the same.
Mr.DJ took his coat and left my life for a while. He needed his time I guess. And I understand. He also took my lighter so I can't even have a cigarette now. But I'll remember him nice always. As if I just saw him yesterday. Cause I asked him to act like that. As if we'll meet for coffee and I'll tell him about my uni projects and he will tell me about his new song. I'll miss our talks.
I know it's only for a while. he'll meet someone soon, this I know for sure. It always happens when you're the most fucked up and you feel you're never going to get out of the shithole. Same happened to me.
And I'll still be his no.1 groupie. Wish I could make something more out of it but nothing comes to me now. I'm just a bit shocked cause I was expecting this to happen a long time ago, so I thought I was wrong. The curse, of course.

Countdown

2009-12-27T15:51:00.006+02:00

I'm flying back tomorrow. Back to uni projects and back to him. More back to him than anything else now. I started counting the hours since last night.
40, 39, 38... it's 24 now.
The thing is that the closer it gets, the more nervous I get. Right now, I stopped eating. I feel even smelling food could make me sick. My stomach is tight like sewed, I get dizzy and I bite my lips so hard that they're full of blood. I feel I haven't got enough air to breath deep and thinking I'll see him so soon seems just surreal. I try to relax but my body feel different. Now I feel like I have fever and five minutes later I get freezing chills.
I almost cry of happiness and I keep asking myself what's going on? I barely feel my feet. My mouth got really dry and drinking water feels like eating sand. My palms are wet and I find myself dreaming over and over about our first kiss.
I can't think of anything else and even talking to other people can't make its way to my brain. I answer mechanically while I lose my thoughts in the same picture of him smiling while I walk slowly in his open arms. Nothing can really get to me now. I'm just lost and yes, I understand what the clouds and the flying feeling mean. Stupid, but true.
If you want to see me messed up in a good way, now's the right time. Dreaaaaaaaammmmmm away Narchotic, dream away and it'll all come true tomorrow!

He can do that

2009-12-26T10:57:00.004+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jhw6shJav8
This remembers me of my Rastaman. He sat next to me to explain how although he's got dreadlocks, he's not a Rastafarian. And he spoke about Rastafarian religion and their history and why they're so different than we think and what it really implies to be a Rastafarian. And although my Rastaman is not a Rastafarian, he's wonderful in his way. I have to say that although I've been fascinated by this, I never really knew what it was. To my big shame if you want to put it this way.
The thing with this guy is that at first, I didn't expect anything of him. You meet someone in a supermarket. What are the odds? There are a lot of weird people, what are the odds for him to be normal, for him to ask me out, for him to want to know more of me, for him to want to be with me for real?
There's one chance in a hundred and I somehow got that chance. What are the odds?
Still, I'll keep calling him my Rastaman here. I'm not entirely wrong because after all, he's got rasta and yes... he's my man in some way. Well, the belonging thing sometimes scares me because I always think of it in a different way than it sounds. By that I understand not than he's got a fence around and that he's tied to me forever. No, I don't want that. I don't have any rights to ask him anything like that. What I mean is that by his own choice, he wants to be next to me and he's thinking of me as much as I am thinking of him.
Now between you and me, I do think about him much and I do feel I want him and only him to be here. I do feel that there may be other better people, like there always are, but I want no other. So I guess I belong to him too. I guess my inside is filled with him like a pillow with feathers. And this doesn't bother me at all.
Last night, I was telling my childhood friends about him. I told them that his appearence really made me get over all the bad things I've been through. And one of them said she doesn't wonder this happened. She said "Let's make an experiment so I can proove to you he'll make it all go". And then asked me to say his name. I got all red, yes, she's true... He can do that.

Waiting

2009-12-25T12:04:00.003+02:00

I'm waiting to speak to him online. And I'm anxious. I hope he didn't forget. I know he couldn't have, he texted me last night so nice.
Ooohhh, I want time to pass faster and him to come online once. Cooome ooonnnnn.....

My Oasis

2009-12-23T16:34:00.007+02:00

5 more days and I'll rest my head on his cocoa chest. 5 more days and I'll lay dreaming with my eyes in his eyes. 5 more days and the world is going to run far away from me again, to the sound of his breath.
Rastaman is waiting for me home, writing like a conscious school boy every day about how it snows and then the snow melts, what happens around here, and how he's thinking of me before he goes to sleep. I still get chills reading his every message. All my face blushes when he calls me darling. And I still speak about him even to myself and I'm happy.
I'm calm now. I know time passed in its own way, slowly, but good. I know we'll bathe together and I'll wash his rasta like I said I will. I can't wait for that. I'm at that point again. Because he makes me happy. I'd do it to make him smile, I'd do it to see his eyes getting a bit smaller because of his amused face, I'd do it to feel his sunny lips on my neck. And we'll sit on the side of my tiny bed again, hugged, nose to nose, smiling like kids to one another and innocently asking "what?". Then smiling again.
I like you dear. You're like an oasis. Filled with coconut trees and clear crystal water.

Winter Vibration

2009-12-20T20:08:00.007+02:00

I'm about to leave home and travel again. I've been to my real home, spent time with my old friends, walked and almost got lost in the streets I've dreamed of for three months. And now I'll be on my way. Childhood town awaits me. I'll dive in the cold blossom of snow and I'll run smiling down the hills. Only that now, unlike years and years before, I'm big.
But this wasn't what I wanted to talk about in this post. There's something else on my mind and there's someone else I can't stop thinking of.
Although we text each other every day, although he's calling me baby and hun and darling, although he took his day off work to pick me up from the train station and help me carry my luggage home, I'm really scared I might lose Rastaman. I've got this stupid fear of loosing people while I'm away, I'm afraid of the things I can't control, because lately I've put my trust in the wrong people. I know it sounds unreasonable and I know even if it would happen, it wouldn't change anything if I obsessively thought about it, but hey, who said stopping is easy? Who thought for a second I'd want to make my life easy? I'm falling in love with a guy that's now thousands of kilometers away.
And it's not even the thought he might cheat. That'll be the easy to deal with. It's the fact that he might just disappear like mr.5 a.m., or mr.Music. I'm afraid what we had wasn't enough to survive for the period I'm not there. I thought about saying this to him. But I look like a kid and I want to be strong. I want to prove myself wrong this time. I want to regain faith in good and in feelings. I want to regain faith in truth.
I look at our pictures together, I see how he's holding me, I read his messages and my heart jumps up up. I almost cry when I go to sleep and I know it's still 8 days left. I could count the minutes.
Remember when you were a kid and you were waiting for Santa? I used to count the weeks,then the days, and then the hours till he came. Every year, it was the same story: in the evening, grandpa took me out for a snowball fight and when we came back all frozen and wet, we were always told we just missed him. But there were huge presents under the tree. It's curious how we never had present boxes, but present bags.
But in my memory, I always see big, green boxes, with red thick silk ribbons. I feel the sharp smell of the tree and I see the flashing lights and the thousands of colours that the globes sent in the room when I peek through my eyelashes. You must all know that feeling. Only that this time, I don't get it when I think of Christmas, but when I think of him.
My beloved Rastaman has turned into a celebration. He has turned into the biggest, most desired present. He's the flashing light and he's the golden star from the top of the tree. He's also the chocolate candy that I steal from the wrapper and replace with pebbles. He's the spice and the foam from the hot red wine with apples. He's the child standing in the door all covered in snow and singing carols. He's the crazy joy of being there, surrounded by the things you only get once a year. He's all a crazy joy for me. He's a thrill, although sometimes I doubt.
And again, I don't doubt him, I doubt me. I'm scared I might break it. I'm scared it might spread away through my hands. I'm afraid I might chase him away by caring so much about him.
So I do the opposite: I take my time, I take my space, I take my borders. I don't need so much time and space and borders, but I'm afraid I'll open my heart and he'll turn and walk away. I want to really really love. Like I know I can. I want to give it all to him and I want him to give it to me too. I want it to be different this time. I don't want to find myself like I was in spring and then broken and torn on a bench in the park. I need to be loved. I know I wasn't loved in a long time and I will be loved now. I'll be loved by him. And what I want is to be loved by him more and more and more. I want it all.
Rastaman, you promised you'll never hurt me. And you asked me to be your girl. What I want to say with all this is that I trust you and even if I have my doubts, you know how to make them go away. And yes, I like it like that.

Cocoa butter skin

2009-12-07T19:56:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ygixHP7vUtI&feature=related
Even if this may sound familiar, I've just spent two magnificent days with Rastaman. Baby, you rock my world! This is creepy. Not only doesn't he fit in the jerk image I had, he is better than I could have expected! He just gives me the good vibe. On and on and on.
He is true and he indeed is here and yes, he has the hottest ass on this planet! And the most perfect (if there is such thing) eyes. And softest, biggest lips I've ever kissed. And his cocoa butter smell... mmmm!
I just feel him here and it makes me shiver!

I guess this is growing up

2009-12-05T03:05:00.006+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WUq_gBa_8iQ
I have the feeling Mr.DJ will be out of my life soon. I don't want that, but I feel this is what will happen because it will help him get over me. I told him all the truth.
I told him I started meeting Rastaman when I still didn't clarify the fact we weren't dating. I told him that I realise it's wrong and I don't want to lie to him. Because he became my best friend here and you don't lie to a friend. Even though it hurts, the truth has to be told, that's what friends are for. And by coincidence I was both in the role of a friend and an ex for him. So I had to get in the friend's role. Because this is what I promised him I will do.
Of course this meant to admit my fault entirely. And I did it knowing it's not going to do me any good, but I did it because I want him to make the right decision for him, knowing the whole truth and because I don't want to build a friendship on a lie. That's wrong and selfish.
But I hope he remembers I promised I will always be there for talking to him, no matter time and place.
He seemed he said goodbye to my room when he left earlier.

He feels amazing.

2009-12-04T00:12:00.007+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Esdl_3kKSBk
Sweet, sweet, sweet Rastaman makes me smile to myself again. We spent two days in my room and it didn't feel odd for a second! Oh, I can see him opening doors inside, I can see him even now, holding my head in his hands when I had a headache. He caressed my hair and kissed my hands and lips and I felt he belonged there. The picture gets complete again and the shadow got a shape. I think I say silly stuff when I'm happy, I think maybe they don't sound as interesting like the bad turn-offs. Still, he's bringing calm again. He's making me blush. Remember how you blushed the first time a guy smiled to you? It's worse. I get all red, till the top of my ears, when he's telling me I'm a great cook. I lose my senses when he lifts me up and holds me close, with the wall behind me. I glance through my eyelashes to see his muscles tense, while he's laying his head on my shoulder and whispers. I admire him in my mind every time he comes and helps without me ever asking for it. I like how he holds me when we go to sleep. I feel cared for.
I am so surprised when I find out things I like about him; one after the other, charmed small secrets jump out. He makes me wonder if this is all real. He is shining more and more every day and his deep, thrilling smell fills my empty moments. He's fascinating. For one thing, we have very smart talks and he's showing me something new every day. It's so nice how only when he stays over, I go to sleep at 3, wake up at 8 and feel great the whole day without coffee. This morning, I got the feeling he's the most amazing guy I've ever met. My name is purple. His is red. And Pulp Fiction is scarlet and yellow. :) Come on, Maya, you know this one :P
So how, from all the people around, we met and we ended up kissing while the sun is coming out?
I told him I don't trust him because he seems like a player. His response was: "Baby, I promise I won't hurt you. It's not my intention". I told him I was afraid and I didn't know if I'm doing myself good in meeting him. And today, before he left, he looked at me with worried eyes and asked if he could text me tomorrow. And if I wanted to meet in the week-end.
Sweet, sweet, sweet Rastaman, of course you can!

Leather

2009-11-29T17:31:00.004+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=97nbaU1HgCY&feature=related
I'll get back to my leather skirt and go running away from all the world I know. I'll run as fast as I can and no pain will catch up with me, because I will be faster, I will have a gold shield and a silver sword to fight it. And I will fly away on my duvet. It will take me over the sun and clouds, over the sea and the rocky beach, over the streets with countless shops, over the bar I had red wine in, over the street corner full of whores and drug dealers, over the up-the-stairs flat, over the shiny laptop, over a sunny palm and over cocoa skin, over. I will lay on my back, on my fluffy flying duvet, with nothing but blue sky around, I will close my eyes and smile and my memory will fade away like the smoke from a cigarette. Everything will implode and crash, everything will break at every joint, everything will be tore out and burned till there's no everything left. And I'll be gone too. From each head and each street, from each place that connected to me, from each past I relate to, from the phonebook and from Earth. I'll only take my music and my duvet.
Oh, God, could it be the weather?
It's all just a time shaped candy that leaves you craving like an addict. I almost ran over an angel... Or did I?

Le soleil dans mes mains

2009-11-28T13:28:00.006+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_j61QsCc10c

I'm someone's darling again. And every time I think of it, a red-ish smile comes on my face. Again. I feel again. I can float again, and I knew I could but it just took so long! It took too long but it was a perfect timing. Again, welcome in my life Rastaman! And you can see it coming. Last night, we were hugging and he said: "At the supermarket, who would have thought?"
I answered: "Why not? Is it so unbelievable you meet people at work?"
"Yeah. I was wearing my uniform and was tired and bored."
"So what's wrong with that?"
"I wasn't looking my best"
And I laughed. "You guys never get it! It's not about the way you look, it's about the way you are!"
And it is. Some of my ex bf weren't exactly Mr.Handsome. They were actually really far from that. But if you have your way, sir, you have it!
It's a plus that he's so pretty, but I think because of the way he looked at me the first time we met, I couldn't help it. It was just the most intense flirt I've had in a while. You don't just walk away after that, unless you're an idiot!
And it proved good! I tell you that, I'm dancing alone in my room thinking about him, I'm undressing thinking of him, I lick my lips with his lips in my mind, I feel his perfume on my pillow and I get high with my nose in the sheets. I fantasize about his touch and run my hands on my body the way he did it. His kisses are on me, burning. Is this even true? It's too good! It sounds both sick and sexual like hell.
Oh, there's no place on Earth I'd rather be right now! There's nothing that I'd change in my life just because it brought me here. And I can see the whole picture now. It's a bright sunny picture and Narchotic is feeling. Again. Am I crazy, or each time I do it, it gets more and more intense?

I'm A Rainbow

2009-11-26T18:29:00.006+02:00

It seems to me the whole world has fallen with me since I've fallen for Rastaman. Yes, I'm in and I'm enjoying it so much that it becomes dangerous!
Let me tell you from the beginning. We met as I said we would. He came by my place and cooked me a delicious dinner. Tuna steak with couscous, cucumbers and bananas. I guess it's a home speciality and I guess I'll ask him to come and do it again. I loved it. And we washed the dishes together. Then we watched movies, listened to music and talked till 3 in the morning. And before we fell asleep, I asked him. It turns out he thought I wasn't that much into him and he didn't want to stress me. And it turns out he's more quiet than I thought he is, but it's just his way. In he morning, I think he thought I was sleeping and kissed me soft. I opened my eyes and the first thing I saw was his smile. He took me for breakfast and then we went to the beach to take pictures. It was sunny and windy. He held me while we were both looking at the sun. He kissed me over and over. And we'll meet again tomorrow. He likes me. When I asked him what he wants from me, he said: "I want to get to know you." And he kissed my hand.
He did so many things and it's clear now that I made too many bad scenarios. It's all clear to me now.
When I got home from school, he left a comment for me. Among other things, he said, I quote: "I had a really, really good 24 hours with you!!". And changed his status.
I float. So this is it. I'm finally there and I like it. Told you he'll be here one day!

I took my coat off

2009-11-22T12:24:00.004+02:00

I had a dream last night. A dream that made me cry in the shower. I dreamed I was happy and loved. I dreamed there was a He and he was there next to me. He made my heart tremble. He held me and I felt that nothing else mattered in the world. I was so happy in my dream and I was so in love. I was fascinated by how good it felt.
And then I woke up to a grey sky and rain. And I was melancholic. I felt that it's all so far away from me now.
And then, Rastaman texted me. And I don't know what to do. Cause I'm not sure I am doing myself good by meeting him. He seems to be a player and I know where a player gets me. I am sure I can't control and I'm sure I'll allow him to kiss me. Just because he's all that and more. And because I'm self-destructive.
I didn't answer yet. I will, and I guess it's clear by now we'll meet again. But I'll have the talk. I'll find out what he wants from me. First time to put my cards on the table.
'You took your coat off and stood in the rain. You were always crazy like that.'

Alone

2009-11-20T20:20:00.004+02:00

I'm sick. I lay on my bed, face to the ceiling, with my eyes almost closed as the yellow filtered light painfully creeps through my eyelashes. I can't feel my hands and feet anymore. My body is just a burning, trembling useless mass. I transit agony and reality slowly, loosing meaning as the time passes. I think of things, I think of people, I think of life. And all the thoughts mix in a terrifying dream that tastes like reality. The daylight is long gone. If I heavily stand up from bed, I can see scattered light behind my window. It's the city. And it's Friday night.
My lips are glued together. They hurt and break letting salty blood come through. My mouth is so dry that I could put stickers inside. I feel some kind of sword going from my stomach to the top of my head. A burning sword. My hands and feet are like paper. I breath slowly and hot. Two tears roll down my cheek while I reprove myself for using my last body water supplies. Hours creep like days and I turn slower and slower while my eyes close involuntarily.
Where are you? It's silence and dark. I remembered how mom used to massage my feet with sanitary alcohol when I had fever. I remembered how she used to bring me toasted bread and hot tea. And now, the silence and the solitude seem more striking than before. It makes me think of my whole life. I'm in another place, I'm taking care of myself (not so good apparently), I study all day, I rarely go out elsewhere than school. I made only a few friends. But they're cool. I feel guilty if I call them to ask for help, so I don't. I only called Mr.DJ, who will come anytime now. And I think of how I deny him as my lover, but how he, from all the people I know here, is giving me the most love. How he's taking care of me, how he's holding me when I'm sad how he cooks for me when I'm busy and how he did my shopping this week and didn't even want money for it. How he takes me where I want to go, how he gives me music and movies, how he's always there to answer my call. Oh, I'm so unfair. I realise he loves me and I realise he's such a great person. It makes me cry that I can't love him. I'm alone in my room. Lights dimmed, no music, nobody next to me. I'm sick. I think I'm sick of the world.

Oh, come on people, decide

2009-11-17T18:39:00.002+02:00

Rastaman fucks his own game. After he made me feel the happiest person ever last night and made me believe there is something going on, today he acted so strange that I barely recognize him. He's just going hot and cold over and over again and I'm getting tired of shit like that. I had it with Mr.5 a.m., so I'm not falling in the same trap twice. I thought that the best thing to do is wait to see what happens and when he contacts me again. If that doesn't clear things up, I'll just ask what he actually wants from me. And if I get the same mumble response that only avoids the question, he is going straight out the door. I don't have time for this shit.

Carousel

2009-11-14T21:38:00.006+02:00

Oh, dear... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PVAzD3Frh8U
My struggle to get things straighten up in my emotional life is, just like I got you used, a labyrinth. Now that me and Mr.DJ are friends, I realised I grew a bit addicted to him and his charming and loving way to be. Even as friends, we hug a lot, we sleep over to one another and we talk every day. I am anxiously waiting his call and the thought that he won't come to see me for a tea and a movie makes me sad. Maybe he will. I know the fact that we're not like we were at the beginning gives him a rough time now and then. The last thing I want is to make him hurt, because he's been my only true friend here. I'm very fond of him and I feel happy when he smiles back. I sleep well and wake up joyful when I'm with him. I drop by him work now and then with two coffees and two cigarettes. And he always smiles back from the tons of music surrounding him.
I lost interest in dating. My talks with Rastaman became rarer. He texted a couple of times. We'll meet Monday to go to an open mic together. But I kinda lost my enthusiasm. I know he's not that into me. I slowly drift away from him and right now, I'm not even waiting so hard on our meeting. Distance may be good sometimes, but too much of it has the contrary effect. We'll see if his charm is as big as he made me think it was on our first dates. I think I passed over my rasta-obsession, because this lost its value and I now see Rastaman in a different light, one that pushes his inner traits in the spotlight. I interpret this as being good. So with the risk of breaking my fantasies into pieces, I have now a rational choice to make: Do I want him or not?

Femme Fatale

2009-11-13T21:01:00.004+02:00

People are afraid of change. People are afraid of the unknown. And when change associates with unknown, people emit inferior judgements. Re-orienting is equal for some people with failure. If you decide you will change your path, you lost. Why? Because you didn't fulfill the objective you stated in the beginning. It doesn't matter that you changed in the meanwhile and your perspective shifted, your new route is a failure to them and you dropped one step in the stairs of growing. Those people miss the whole point of personal growth. For they see it as a linear straight way that reunites A with B, A being the "0" moment and "B" the accomplishment of yourself as a full human being. Is success linear? Does success know only one way? Do plenty of achievements in one aspect of your life mean you're a fully-righted being?
I don't think so. I rather pose it as multilateral growth. Each one's life is a multitude of choices that lead to sinuous ways. But in the end, it's not the result, but the road that takes you there. The road that takes you to B might as well be a spiral, a serpent or a 3 hours drive. But you learn most of this road, not of the finality of events.
So growing sideways is just another way of saying that I will fill the pyramid, but will take it bottom-up, not up and then sideways. And I think it suits me better.

2009-11-11T02:06:00.002+02:00

What's that, Blueberry Pie? Do I feel some freakinesh around here? It's about time for you to stop reading this blog.

Red Tasty Cherry

2009-11-07T18:32:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYq5pYI_6e0
I'm thrilled. I know what's gonna happen and it sounds damn good! The game begun and he has to roll the dice now. Go baby, go, go! Sweet, sensuous Rastaman, glue your lips to my neck. My pillow smells of summer in Jamaica.
This is fuckiliciousextrachewyraspberryflavouredfuzzylovemaking!

And there it is!

2009-11-07T12:40:00.003+02:00

He kissed me. A proper, sexy, soft, real kiss. He came along to this reggae party last night and he was holding me. I turned and there it was, his lips were closer than ever. We kissed a lot. And I was telling myself to enjoy, you never know if it's gonna happen again. I'd like that, but I don't know. This is when I'll find out
He smelled so nice, like cinnamon and sunny beach and palm tree oil. His dark skin felt tender and I can still remember the way his muscles felt underneath his shirt. I can't remember too much but I know we kissed a lot. We came back to my place and slept. Nothing happened as far as I remember. But he was holding me, breathing on my neck, his lips and fingers wondering on my lips, him all around me and the whole dark outside, the silence in my room, the kisses. I'm floating. I have a huge hangover but I can't stop smiling. Oh man, I hope he's gonna call.
My dear Rastaman, I'll give you the best time ever. Come in for a cup of coffee and some thrill.

After a foggy night

2009-11-06T15:07:00.004+02:00

Oh, well, this is the problem with more developed countries: people really accept and treat everyone the same, so if you go by the premises you used to go back home, weird things are going to pop out like popcorn at the most unexpected moment from the most unexpected place. Remember the cute, a bit wild, a bit neat, a bit naughty colleague I had a crush on? Yep, Mr.Bad. Well, I was really excited yesterday when we spent hours talking and he said, I quote: "We need to exchange facebook ids'!". This morning, I woke up and opened my computer. And there it was, my new friend, the guy who definitely likes me, the guy hitting on me yesterday. The guy I had a HUGE crush on, the kinda guy I dared to introduce to my parents, the cute and smart, the sweet and funny, the one I thought about before going to sleep...is gay.
It was there, big and clear. My Mr.Bad is actually someone else's Mr.Bad for quite some time. And all of a sudden my life got simple again: I'm not dating Mr.DJ anymore, but we're friends.
All of a sudden, the fog lifts up and I find myself in the place I prayed I were for a long time: here.

Baby did a bad, bad thing!

2009-10-30T15:53:00.003+02:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWf7cT8CTDI&feature=related
Let me tell you about Mr.Bad.
He's in one of my classes at the uni. The first time he walked in, I had that tight stomach feeling and I bit my lips. He seemed so far away from earth. He sat down and looked at me. And I looked at him. At the seminars, he always sits across the table, in front of me. I was thinking of him a lot the first two weeks. His messy but tidy look, his black glasses, his wavy reddish short hair, the way I caught him glancing, oh got me down, down. But then I gave it away just because I sensed some competition approaching and didn't want to be in a ridiculous posture. But this is when magikkk started happening. He came to smoke with me outside after each seminar. We started talking. In classes, he seems to can't wait for me to speak so that he can watch me longer. I catch him peeking at me and I smile a little but don't have the guts do anything. I always dress nice for that seminar. I come earlier just to meet him before. And then I pretend I don't care. And he always comes after, although never obvious. He talks smart stuff. He knows a lot of that, I tell you! He likes the same things I do. Last week, I talked to another girl in my class to start a reading group together. After yesterday's class, he came up to us and asked if he could join. I found out that he was actually in another reading group. And still, I pretended I didn't know. So we'll meet on a regular basis from now on. And I'll do all my readings just because this gets me the chance to talk to him. He also proposed we all go to this fireworks festival outside the city next week. In his words, "To know each other outside the classes". He's really hot and not because of the way he looks, but more because of the things he says and the way he sees the world.
Mr.Bad got me bad.

2009-10-27T00:05:00.001+02:00

I just had a very good laugh about my past. I guess it's good to see things from a different view. I'll have to remember this!

Electric guy

2009-10-26T19:16:00.003+02:00

So I had my first date with the rasta guy. He's way much prettier outside the store than I realised. It's somehow unbelievable because he's so much more than I thought. We spent 7 great hours together. We met on the beach, walked around and looked at the waves till the wind got us frozen to the bone. Then we walked around the city and ended up having two bottles of great wine at my place. While we watched videos. He's a musician. (Do I see another pattern here?)
I was feeling odd dating a guy who works as a cashier, but when he started telling me about himself, I kinda changed my mind. He's been travelling all over the world. He was born in Jamaica as a matter of fact. He studied music in the university and he's putting up a band with a friend. He's working to raise money for a masters in music. And he too likes reggae (as if it wasn't obvious).
I liked him. I think this has great odds of being fun!
At first, I thought he didn't like me that much, but as we were speaking, I realised in fact that he was nervous and this is why he didn't speak that much.
He texted me today saying he had a great time and that we should, I quote "go to an open mic or exhibition".
If I had a tail, I would be waving it now!

I (heart) shopping

2009-10-25T17:06:00.003+02:00

I have ambivalent feelings about my supermarket.
Believe it or not, for the first time in my life, I couldn't buy alcohol! Why? Well it seems I don't look 18 and my id seems not to be good anymore, all of a sudden.
It wasn't a 2 litre bottle of vodka though, it was just a pathetic shitty half a litre bottle of cider. 5% alcohol. You can't even get drunk from that!
On the other hand, the rasta guy I'll be meeting later is still working there. So that makes me continue to be a great costumer.
What I've learned?
First of all, don't expect to be taken seriously if you're wearing purple pants.
Second, if you still choose to wear them, get your fucking passport with you because some people may find it very difficult to read your year of birth if, by coincidence, there are more numbers on your id.
Third, if you wear purple pants and you don't have the right id, DO flirt heavily with the guy at the register. This may at least save you from getting too pissed and may even bring you a date. ( No, the rasta guy wasn't working today )

Ghost

2009-10-24T00:16:00.005+03:00

Do you know how it is when you know exactly what someone you haven't seen for a long time is doing right now without having any connection to you?
That's weird and almost taking me back to a moment when I wasn't a ghost there like I am now, but a matching picture in the painting. I haunt without rest people's mind and I rip behind me a piece of them and take it with me. They'll never be complete from now on because I passed through them. I know it and they don't. They never will. They chose not to know. The same place I've been is now empty. No one takes my place because there is no one the same with me. I have my Swiss cheese hole inside and this white mark won't be covered by any perfume. Not in that time and place. That's mine. So I jump out of the picture, drag my feet back up in my room and grab the music duvet around me to make the cold go away. But I know I left an empty space. I smile remembering and close my eyes content.
I'll never be back.

Welcome Rastaman!

2009-10-23T23:17:00.005+03:00

Remember I told you about a cute guy from the supermarket a couple of weeks ago? Well, things moved on.
The first time we met, he was at the register in front of me. He turned and we smiled to each other a couple of times. Imagine a gorgeous guy, black eyes, rasta, thin but not too thin, witty and damn shameless in a very good way. And now imagine he turns quick and winks at you... got me? I was melting!
I left and he looked after me.
The second time, he was around the store and we bumped into each other at the wine stall. And I said hi. He freaked out but then smiled and asked if I were always wearing my headband. I smiled back. Then, I asked him to show me around the store. And he did.
Today, after a really stressful day, when I had to take out money and figure out how to put them in my landlord's account without knowing the number, in which time my phone battery died, and then went to school where a top up machine ate me a lot of money without placing them in my printing account, which appears to be a total other card than the one I had to buy and charge for using the xerox, which was what I actually needed for copying the books that I had to search for for half an hour in the very short term section and had to return within an hour, I realised that I couldn't go home and rest, because I had to, and did go food shopping. And when I was waiting in line, I saw him smiling from another register. I didn't realise at first that it was him. But then he waved and winked. So I paid and went to say hi. He asked for my name, told me his and asked for my phone number. I didn't know mine and my cell was dead, so I just took his.
Told you a rastaman will come along, didn't I?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wA_4MYbatYk

Almost grown up

2009-10-16T21:31:00.004+03:00

I've grown up and I have a date. I dressed casual-grown up-sexy. that's jeans and sneakers, white shirt and leather belt and a leather string around my head, to keep my hair from going on my face and to give it even a wilder look. I look hot.
I've put on very few make up. Just the black crayon around my eyes, a tiny little bit of silver and then long black mascara. And my sexiest perfume: Premier Jour by Nina Ricci.
I look serious but i smile because I know I'm not. I'll meet a serious guy. He's not too serious either, but he's got a serious face sometimes. He'll do just like I dreamed when was small: he'll take me out for dinner. He reserved a table. We'll go and he'll give me his coat because I'll be cold. And he'll talk to me and hold my hand in his while we have a glass of wine. We'll then go for more drinks and then his place or mine. For a coffee. Just like grown ups do. I live alone, I study and I date a guy with a serious job. I guess I'm almost grown up.

One day

2009-10-16T20:25:00.003+03:00

You're right, I didn't tell you about how my days here are. I will.
I wake up in the mornings. Í have my breakfast and then my coffee. I roll a cigarette, because I'm smoking tobacco now. I light it and have my coffee in the back garden,with my spiders. We do have a lot of spiders down here.
Then, I go down the hill and take the bus to the university. If I don't have classes, I go to the library to read or I meet people for reading groups. We have a lot of cute guys on campus. And yeah, my eyes roll around every now and then. I have lunch in a bar from campus, or I take the bus back home. I stop for shopping at the supermarket, where I sometimes meet the cute guy and flirt with him a couple of minutes. Then up the hill. On my way I almost always see the cute punker with his dog and wonder every time how come we cross every day in almost the same place and ask myself if I should say hi tomorrow. And then I'm home, tired and wet, with tons of food in my bags. I cook something, always something else and always from my head. Then I sometimes meet gigi. I go up to my room and read for a couple of hours. Then, I cook dinner or I'm going out with people who buy me dinner. I'm usually out with mr.DJ. If I'm not out with him, almost all the time we somehow end up sleeping in the same place. Because we talk on the phone quite often. And I meet new people. I sometimes shop. I end up having a cider, almost every night in the same bar. I think this is my no.1 bar from here. And then I take the night bus back. And go to sleep.
Pretty huh?

day & night

2009-10-16T19:32:00.005+03:00

I caught up with my life and fixed it.
I decided men aren't worth the time, so I bought a rabbit. And now I can just scream to all boys that they can go to hell! I've got my very own! And it gives you no head aches.
I met gigi. We're good friends lately. We had some very cute moments this week.
I made new friends. I have to introduce you to my new german best friend. We spent a lot of time togeher this week. He slept over without anything to happen. And his made him my best friend. Cause he's in the same stade. And he gets how it is to be sick of sex. And we both hang around because we talk the same, we think and act the same. And no, we're not into being together. But he's great.
I had a lot of smart stuff to write. And I just can't get back to it. Somehow :))

Too much is not enough

2009-10-14T12:22:00.005+03:00

Maybe Maya is right, I do crave too much for love. I do not feel I can get so wasted because of mr.DJ. And it doesn't make sense. He's got it all. And I just can't move along by his side somehow.
Yes, we're seeing each other a lot and he's the sweetest. But I guess it's not good if it's too good. I'm too much of a masochist. I can't jump over this wall and he knows this also.
He's about to go because of that and I know it. And even though I'd like him to stay around, I know I could never love him the way I should. And I'll let him go on his way although I shouldn't. If I were selfish enough I wouldn't. But I feel so bad when he's looking in my eyes and I see this huge joy and I see feelings coming from all over his body. And me, I feel empty. I feel my inside has been taken away. And I'm naked on a stone floor in a huge empty room. And it's cold and I wish I could wrap myself in a blanket, I wish there was someone to talk to. I wish I could look out the window and see the sun, but I'm tied to the ground. And I can't move.
So he holds me while I cry and never asks anything. He just said that if I ever need to talk to someone, he'll be there. And I know he won't break his promise. But I'm just too fucked up. I lost my self respect and my hope. I've been used and stepped over. I've been ignored and thrown away. And he knows that. And he hugs me tight and tells me one day this will go away and I'll be myself again. But how can I be ever the same after what happened. Those things won't disappear. They don't undo. There's no way to change the past and I hurt now because I finally understood what I've been through. And I have to go through it to heal. Alone.

Mirrors and raspberry lands

2009-10-12T19:51:00.003+03:00

Here I am, miles and miles away from home, thinking about the same things that always come to my mind obsessively. No, the distance can't erase your memory.
I red this blog today that made me thinking about Him. You know, the one we're waiting for, the one that somehow doesn't ever show up complete. The one that will make me smile with all my heart. The one that will turn me into a melted ice-cream and then have me all. He's just a step away from me, but I never seem to look the right way. I know he's there somewhere. I know it will all make sense someday. I know I'll laugh thinking back to this. What am I waiting for anyway?
I turned this illusion in one of the quests of my life. But didn't we all do that? I kept my eyes wide open just to see they were actually tight together peeking through some dark glasses. I can't filter this reality objective enough. And still, I don't forget it. It's somewhere in the back of my head, behind my thoughts and my books and my music and my friends. It's always there. Why deny? It would bless my ego, that's true, but I'm sick of eating shit. Yes, I'm looking for him. Yes, I hope he'll be here one day. I somehow know he will and I'm waiting here, in my sunny garden.
I've put my hope in some people, true. I thought I found it from time to time. But all of them were just a piece of broken glass, reflections, glimpses of Him. It was the same with my ex, the one from the beginning of this blog. But it was an illusion. I wanted him to be that. I wanted him to fit and I wanted to scream to everybody that I found it. It was a teenage hope grown on innocence and loneliness despair.
And then it was mr.5 a.m. He swept me off my feet for a good while. He had this way of always keeping me chasing. And I liked that. That wasn't boring, like all the rest of stuff I've been through. But he wasn't real either. He was close, but my mirror doesn't break with a grain of sand. He did.
Mr.music... what to say, except I don't even feel I really got a glance of him. He seemed there, but it was just a hologram. The real him was never on this planet and it's good in some way. He's always going to be an excellent artist because of that.
Mr.dancer doesn't really qualify for this trip, but he was lots of fun now and then.
Who else? Oh, my ex from three years ago. Well, meeting him again was emotional, like I thought it would be, but things turned out in an unexpected way. I just lost him on the way. He kept it in, I gave it away and I'm empty now. Not so easy to fill it up again.
Mr.DJ is another partial mirror. But he's missing a corner somewhere. I like him very much. I don't get bored when I'm with him. And I've got so much to learn. But again, something's not there.
And those are only the people I introduced you to. I had moments when I saw Him in everyone. I had moments when I was sure He didn't exist. I was sure He came by and left for good. It's actually never like that. There are thousands of Him. Each of them perfect for me. There's just no road to take me there from where I stand right now. Or I can't see it. But he'll drop by one day, have a cup of coffee and carry me on the round ladder till we reach raspberry land. And we'll make Love.

2009-10-11T16:29:00.001+03:00

My ex from the States came to see me yesterday. We went out to a bar and had a drink. And we spoke so much about so many things. So many memories!

Imagine this:

2009-10-10T18:09:00.006+03:00

How was the Benga party? Whoooooooooooo
Imagine this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4D-hCO8Y2k
Imagine a huge club all dark with lights floating everywhere. Imagine lots of people everywhere you turned. Imagine the bass so hard that your feet were vibrating. Imagine you held your palms turned to the floor and you felt the music hitting them. Imagine dancing on that till you lost your breath. Imagine euphoria and crazy joy. Yes, you've got it!
I'm now waiting for Rusko and Caspa also.

Again?

2009-10-09T20:11:00.004+03:00

Ooooh, not good, not good!
I'm slowly falling for Mr.DJ... Not good! I have to stop it now, while I can. Or should I?
I just realised I started thinking about him more often. That was quite nice.

Roller Coaster taking me in the clouds

2009-10-09T12:03:00.003+03:00

I came back home this morning. Long birthday this year :P
I met a friend for a coffee facing the sea. It was so wonderful. Then later I went to a party where mr.DJ was mixing. I liked it. And guess what! I think I kinda started liking him in some interesting way. I mean I might just give it a try and see how things turn out.
No, although we slept in the same bed, he didn't stop being the most perfect gentleman I ever met. He held me and kissed me but never crossed the line. I don't know why but this makes me feel very good about him.
He's taking me tonight to a Benga concert. Can't wait to see that! It's unbelievable stuff going on tonight! I never ever thought things can turn out like this. It's better than my best dream!

Blossoming trees

2009-10-08T12:56:00.005+03:00

Sugar on my tongue - talking heads
It’s 8 in the morning. I’m having my Costa Rican tarrazu fair-trade ground coffee in the cute coffee cup I bought two days ago. The house is silent because my mates are still sleeping. This is the first day I woke up before them. It’s sunny. Sunny and cold. Real autumn around here. But a pretty autumn. I’m humming the song above and thinking about the things I have to do today.
Yeah, definitely get the bank account and my student ID so I can get my bus pass for half a price. And then hit the library to get one of the 19 books I have to read till next Monday. And check my e-mail. My last week’s date must have written to me.
As you might have assumed, the internet fellows are coming only in 5 days, so till then, I’ll be disconnected to the world outside.
Last night, my cool flatmates and me went out. First, me and the other girl, which I’m gonna call Spicy, went to have dinner at this indian restaurant we saw from the bus. It was absolutely wonderful. I had some spicy chicken with curry, coconut oil and mint sauce. She had chicken with coconut oil and banana sauce. We said we were totally coming back there. Then, we met the guys and walked around to find a good bar. We stopped at one looking like a ship on the inside and we had beers. We laughed and told jokes, we talked about boys and girls and music and planned the big party tonight. Then, we changed the bar and went to this place where I bounced around on some jazz fusion thing. And then took a cab home and went straight to sleep.
I dreamed I dated Brad Pitt. Imagine how tired I’ve been.

My neighbour uphill is around 50. He’s jogging every early morning with drum and base shouting loud from his earphones. He’s greeting everybody and smiling. I was having my cigarette today and he passed and greeted me as if we knew each other for a lifetime. I greeted back the same way. This life received me with its arms wide open.

My other neighbour is having a haircut in the back garden. His wife is really pretty and she seems to know what she’s doing with the scissors. They have a lot of kids. I’m not sure, but I estimate around 3 or 4. They’re all jumping and playing around their parents. One of them is being really serious, looking at his dad and giving advices. He’s lovely.

I woke up thinking of my friends. I started missing them a bit. I’ve put a picture from this summer on my desktop. They’re all smiling back to me now.

I feel above time. Music running through my veins and my head. I’m infected with life and it won’t go away. The verve is spinning me around and lifting me higher and higher. I’m exactly where I want to be. I know there is only good waiting to come from around the corner. I’m relaxed about my future. Time is by my side.

Sunday

Urma - This time
I woke up with a hangover. I crawled right back in my warm bed and daydreamed for an hour or two. I made myself an omelette with plenty of cheese. I had my coffee with the guys, chatting about the party last night and watching cartoons from the bean bag. Then I put on a pretty outfit and went shopping, thinking I might see the cute cashier that flirted with me yesterday. He must have been on his free day. I didn’t care too much. I took my time wondering around the shelves. Then I slowly walked up the hill back home, in the hot smiling sun. I cooked chinese like I love doing from time to time. I was cooking it slowly with all my heart, while singing along with my laptop some blues songs. I had my lunch looking out the window and keeping my back straight, pretending I were in a restaurant. I smiled because it was really good. I had a beer and a cigarette and lingered in the afternoon light. Tonight, I’ll go to a drum and base party. Alone. Like in good old days. Summing it all up, I have the perfect Sunday in my new life. I float above. I love my loneliness and I feel I’m growing again. I’m as happy as I dreamed I will be.

Sunday night:
Freshmen party in the campus. The student union building is trembling from the base. I have a cigarette outside, looking at the people who come and go. I enter, to find five huge rooms connected by labyrinthic hallways, each playing different music and each filled up with different people. I can’t describe the unbelievable awesomeness of this night. I spent it dancing in every rooms and having really cheap drinks with different people. Then something magical happened, just like lots of other stuff in my life: I was in the dubstep room, watching this really awesome dj mixing. People around were doing the same, but the vibe was so good, that I couldn't help but to start dancing. I still don’t know why, but I was the only one doing that. His set ends and he packs his stuff, while I stay to finish my beer. And all of a sudden, I feel a hand on my shoulder and I turn to find the dj standing in front of me. He actually came to thank me for dancing on his music. He said he felt flattered by this. And I smiled and said: „What else was I supposed to do if you do it so good?”. End of story? We’re gonna have a date this week.

Wednesday night:
I just came back from the date with Mr.DJ. We went to this cosy bar and had a couple of drinks and a really interesting chat. I don’t know how, but we ended up talking about north and south coreea at one point. Really nice chat all the evening. He walked me home. And we’re gonna have another date on Monday. He’s gonna take me out for dinner. I wanted mexican food. I like him and most of all I like the fact that although I could tell he liked me, he didn’t kiss me. It was lovely and he was such a gentleman! I can’t wait to see him again!

Friday morning:
I went with Spicy to a photo exhibition vernissage. We met one of her teachers there and we had a lovely talk. Then, we went to a cocktail party at his place and it was absolutely awesome.
Earlier yesterday, I had a free haircut from a girl working in one of the biggest hair saloons from here. It was because my university has this freshman fair I told you earlier about and they give up a lot of free things. This week is unbelievable.

Sunday morning:
Returned from my cousin yesterday with him and we partied all night in a reggae club. See, this is the best thing about this city: you couldn’t get so many cool places to hang out. They have a bar or/and a club for any kind of music you can think of.
I’m obsessed by this song: Gentleman – Empress
I’m waiting for the day when a guy is going to sing this to me. It’ll come, I tell you. It’s just a matter of time.
Gigi came by and we had a nice chat on my bed. I’m listening to Fun Lovin Criminals now. Crime and Punishment. Great song. Just listen to the beats... It’s addictive.
I have to go to this tea party after I finish cleaning the bathroom. Today is cleaning day so the whole house is turned upside down. It smells like bleach and detergent and all the windows are open. Just a nice Sunday noon.
I love my haircut. It looks a bit like the one Uma Thurman had in Pulp Fiction. And by the way, yes, I did buy the Pulp Fiction poster with her and yes, I do love this movie till the death and I’ll keep watching it obsessively every time I get the chance.
Just like I crave for Fun Lovin Criminals lately. It just keeps rollin in my player at home and in my mp3. Swashbucklin’ in Brooklyn!

The night before my birthday:
Today was cloudy and cold. It rained in the afternoon. I got all wet. I had my umbrella with me but I still got all wet. When I was standing at a stop, a bus crossed and splashed me from head to toe. So I did my shoppings leaking. I left a wet path behind me through the stalls. And I went home with my bottle of white wine. But I didn’t have any, I drank cider. I love cider. I’m having it right now. But to skip to the beginning, I had already three dates with mr.DJ. He took me at a mexican restaurant. I loved it, although the food was so spicy that my nose was running and tears were falling out of my eyes. And next time, I went by his place and we watched a movie. He really likes me, I can tell that. He’s always very nice and attentive and he talks interesting stuff. But this is kinda going wrong. He’s just too nice. Remember how I used to torture myself a couple of months ago? Well I won’t get that from mr.DJ. And this, although sounding weird, makes me like him a bit less. That’s the hunter in me!
I went to a circle of meditation today. I meditated and it felt good. I was thrilled when I left. I felt energetic and happy. In spite of the falling rain, I laughed when the bus got me all wet.
I also went to my first meeting with the circus group I joined. There’s also a cute rasta guy there. I want to be with him. I want him to sing to me. But I have to be patient. Time will fix it all. I just have to wait.
I learned to hula. In other words, I learned how to spin the hula circle all around me. And I feel a bit proud because there were girls there who have been trying for weeks and didn’t get it. I caught the rasta guy looking at me. I turned around to not have to look at him and let him notice I noticed. And I feel his eyes in my back. I feel proud. And happy.
I came back home smiling wide and full of bruises. Yep, the circles can do, and will do that. I’m having my cider after a sweet cigarette with Gigi. What the hell, tomorrow’s my birthday! I deserve a treat for being a good girl today. I’m listening Matisyahu. Chop ’em Down. I left the window open and a cold breeze hits my face. Yes, I’m at the seaside and I’ll stay here. I think I fell in love with this city. I think I don’t want to go back home. I fit here. Like a puzzle piece. I found silence and serenity. I found many times release. I also found same sadnesses like back in my hometown. I had moments of grief and despair. Maya knows why. I felt earth running from under my feet once. But it went away. And I raised my head, pulled air in my chest and went on. I still think of things. But I keep going. Never stop dear, never stop. Keep going straight and don’t look back. What you lost will come double. What you suffered will turn into happiness. What you tortured yourself with, will make you innocent. Good bye dear, good bye. Now you can exit from my life the same way you entered: all of a sudden. You can take with you all the pain and the rage I felt. You can take the usefulness and the deep sadness that I couldn’t put into words and that only made me tear myself from the world. You can take also the shameless hope to be with you sometime later. You can take the kisses on the neck and the songs. You can take it all and go. I’m fed up with you.
I’m thirsty of life.

2009-10-03T17:52:00.001+03:00

Breaking out from my old life

I love it

2009-09-25T12:39:00.003+03:00

I'm in my new life. My new home is awesome. I've designed my room just like I did it so many times in my dreams. My housemates slowly become my new friends. I love how we stay in the living room each evening, have a beer and chat about everything there can be. The city is incredible. The streets are green and blossoming, the buildings have their own vibe. The parks are full of beautiful people. The sea waves crush the shores so soft and loud that it makes me shiver. I've been walking around the city and I've recharged my energy. This truly is something new. My university is unbelievable. I can't wait to start. I've taken thousends of pictures in the campus. I dived right in the soft grass and I loved getting lost between the red buildings.
Each night as I go to sleep, I thank the universe for taking my steps here.
Welcome on my street, dear sun! Stay here forever!

2009-09-22T01:58:00.003+03:00

This day was pretty good till half an hour ago. I got to the day I've been thinking about for 2, almost 3 years. I had the date with the guy I used to go out with when I was in the States.
It was amasing. I was half an hour late. Not me, the bus. But when I saw his face, same as he used to be so much time ago, my knees melted. We walked around. He gave me the whole downtown tour. And we laughed a lot and "casually" touched each other. Nice and thrilling. And he held me from time to time when we crossed the streets.
We walked and talked for hours.
Then he took me on my very first eat-out date. BRB

on and on

2009-09-19T16:00:00.003+03:00

I've finally arrived. Safe. The journey was longer than I expected. I took the wrong subway. Almost twice.
But I'm here now, with cuz. He has a nice haircut. I'm glad to see him. And I have a piece of news for a friend. Life goes in strange circles.
I had a huge shock. I realised I have to change the hour. And when I did that, it was shocking to realise I'm not there anymore. I'm in my new life. I left the snow for rain. Traditional. In the subway, I was looking through the window and imagining how I would fit in here, into my new world. I love the fact I have the chance to see it. All is far away now. And blurry, as if it were fog. I remember but it's fuzzy.
It goes on and on.

Last day in my head

2009-09-17T19:39:00.005+03:00

I'm moving to another country for at least a year the day after tomorrow. How do I feel? Weird. As I already told you, I feel time stopped and I'm on stand by till I reach my new home. If it weren't for all the things I have to stress about, I think I would be excited. I'm happy I leave everything back here and I start a new life there. I plan to do that. I have the chance to start all over again and this time I'll do it on my own, the way I like it, with my eyes wide open and screaming with joy.
All the shit I've been through was pointless. I see it now. All the problems, all the suffering, all the fear, they'll be water in the hot desert sun. I have the courage to go, I leave behind my life, my friends, my places, my loves.
I'll re-invent myself. I'm looking forward happy. I have it inside and it won't go away, no matter how many times I'll allow myself fooled.
Lately, things from my past kept obsessively coming through my mind. I've been thinking about all the people I'll never see again, not even by accident while walking on the street. This made me feel insecure a bit. But I realised it's the best like this: the people who aren't meant to stay by me will vanish anyway sooner or later. I just took the first step.
I'll meet in London a guy I was in love with three years ago. We'll meet this week for a beer. I wonder how I'm gonna feel. I wonder if I'll get all red and silent. I think I'll be shy.
You know what? I can be anyway I want to be, because THIS IS NOT THE END, IT'S THE BEGINNING! So break the beat: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swg0rAka9sM

Circle

2009-09-13T20:40:00.006+03:00

I said to myself over and over today that I NEED to write. I feel like I'm choking and I lack air because of all the things I keep inside. I need to throw them all out and let them vaporise.
I'm chill. I'm listening to Damien Marley ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hHNHsWSs8Ww ) and I feel disconnected from this world. I'm dreaming away and it seems my whole day was just a dream. I'm thinking away and I know I'll live it all, I'll have it and I know it. It's just a matter of time, because life is a perfect circle. It keeps turning and it always ends up the same. And this is comfortable. I started training myself to care less. I try to be less stressed. I teach myself patience and personal time. I'm constantly improving the self-spoiling. And each time feels better and better. I love the quiet in my room late at night. Then, when I can't hear or see anything, I'm connected to myself and I feel as if I'm another person. It's like I were on a date with myself and I need to proove my love. It's good.
I hate the state guys put me into when they don't call. I hate waiting and knowing it might not happen. But as much as I try to forget about it, I never seem to be able. I had this state today. He didn't call yet. There's enough time for that but I know he won't. I told you I feel these kind of things. I always know inside when something will or won't happen. This time, it's the end. It wasn't supposed to last anyway, but I'd have liked spending a couple of hours with him again. Just for the chill, it would have been a perfect sunday afternoon. Next time.
Last night, I ran into mr.Dancer in a club. We kissed a bit and then he left. I said I'm too busy today to meet him. I wasn't but I just said it's not worth it. He might be cute and all that, but it's a waste of time and energy.
And again, I return to this guy who was supposed to call. It's getting annoying. I hate that I keep thinking about it and the harder I try to think about something else, the worse it gets.
I have to pack my bags and I'm too lazy. I don't want to. I'll do it later. I should sleep, but I don't want that either. I want to make love with someone. Not sex, love. You know, the one when you sort of connect and you feel him holding you and you can feel the emotions by the way he breathes. No one to do that with. I don't even want a relationship, this is the worse part. I just want the making love one night and sleeping till late the next day, him holding you and then drinking coffee together and kissing and feeling valuable. I didn't get too much of that lately and it makes me a bit sad. And yes, I've got a song for this also: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_26qCqcYm4&feature=related
I'm re-listening it and it seems like the first time. I get chills and it completes me. I feel a spiky melancholy tonight. It's coming closer and closer and I don't even want to fight it. I'll just welcome it in and enjoy it. It's gonna hurt but it's gonna feel good because I'll be happy tomorrow. I always have a great day after an evening of sadness. It only bugs me that I can't cry. I'd love to cry from all of my heart and relax, but I can't. The last time I did it was when I was at the seaside and I found out mr.music isn't coming anymore. I was in front of a huge ship and my hands just fell. I dropped my backpack and my tent and fell on my knees, as if I had no legs. And the tears bursted out like a scream. I was trembling and was falling down down down in the deep hole. I need that again, but I can't have it. Life has this pleasure to only give them to you when she wants. It's the ups and downs that I learned to love. I've learned that everything goes and behind all the sadness, I know it won't take long and everything is going to be back on track. And then off track again and so on. The circle.
I'm thinking about this guy also because he somehow make me feel loved. I knew it was just something, not even a real date, but the way he touched me gave me the feeling I was with him. He looked in my eyes as if we were in love. I was happy. And now, again, he blew it by not calling. Remember I wrote I was disappointed? Now, I don't even get that anymore. It kinda doesn't raise any feeling. I just get sad because I'm thinking how nice it would have been to be kissed by him some more. Well, that's it and it's no big deal.
I'm hungry. I'm lazy. I'm melancholic. I'm pretty today. I'm not in love. I'm just another girl who passed by his place. He's just another picture in my yearbook.

New

2009-09-12T19:23:00.002+03:00

I was right! The mood really changed and I lived absolutely the best days I've had in a while. It all seems to go on wheels to the right direction: I found flatmates and a house, I had the greatest bye bye party with my dearest friends, my volunteering only brings great feed-back and I'm kinda seeing this guy I like.
My bye bye party was great. I was only sorry that I couldn't be in 10 places at the same time.
And the guy thing, I don't want to talk too much about it because I decided to stop imagining situations and then be disappointed. But I can tell you one thing: I spent 24 great hours with him. And we could still find things to talk about. Now that's cool.

Just the way I am

2009-09-11T19:36:00.001+03:00

The charma changed and it all goes up to the sunlight very fast. But I won't say anything because I don't want to spoil it before there's actually something happening :p

Backwards

2009-09-07T23:39:00.004+03:00

It's here. The last week home. I've been dreaming about it for so much time and now I barely believe it's true! Still, it's not as I expected it. I thought I would be some other way. Right now, I feel trapped out of time. I still can't realise the fact that I'll leave in a week. It still seems very far, but if I count the days in my head, I know it's not true. They're getting less and less. Time started to flow backwards.
I thought I would meet so many people these last days. Still, nobody seems to notice I'll be gone for a whole year. A lot of people said they really want to meet me before I leave and that I should make time to see them. But now, nobody's available anymore. I don't think it's my fault. I mean, it's puzzling. Everyone wants to meet and nobody actually calls. I made my phone-call to each of them once. Some didn't even answer, some said they're busy that day, some said they're gonna let me know... funny, none of them ever called back. I actually somehow strangely feel it's better this way. I feel I got so fed up with this world that I don't want to waste any time with people who aren't worth it. I actually have the perfect song for my state of mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyKXaqc7Czo
I'm throwing a bye bye party in a club on Friday or Saturday. I will do it, but I haven't told anyone when exactly or where. I'm wondering if I shouldn't just go alone and get really drunk instead.
I love to see all my friends gathered together and feeling good. Still, I'm now wondering if I truly have any friends. Anyone bugging me to meet a lot just because they're gonna miss me for the next 12 months? Hmmm... this didn't happen yet!
Instead, I've been stood up a couple of times. I've heard promises that were only empty words. I've received hugs but there weren't any signs of affection.
Am I judging it too hard? I know I sometimes get a bit too rational and too intolerant, but don't I have a slight small piece of truth behind all this story?
You know what? I realise I'm wasting my time even thinking about it. I got used to my loneliness and I feel good like this. The only bad thing is that I keep having high expectations from the people I care for. And pointing too high isn't for everyone, is it?
In the end, whoever thinks I made a small difference in its life is free to call me and take me out for a walk in the park. And I bet that as usual, only the people I don't expect to are going to do it! Some weird thing this life is!

Sunday morning, 5 a.m.

2009-09-06T16:30:00.005+03:00

It's raining like hell. Last night, I went to a very nice concert. I danced and jumped till my back hurt. I met the girls and we went to a club afterwards. I drank. I laughed. I danced and jumped again. This time, my feet started hurting. At 2, the girls left. I was, again, like so many times before, alone in the club. I didn't mind. After about half and hour, I realised I was too lazy to hit on a guy. I had a seat and had a cigarette. I met an ex bf who was kinda hitting on me. I pretended I went to the bathroom and spent 15 minutes smoking and looking at the people. He then texted me saying he has to go because his friend is too drunk. I was happy.
I danced some more. A lot of guys, not my type of guys, not pretty guys, not even interesting guys, came to talk to me. They were all surprised to find out I was alone there and they all left when I honestly told them I'm not gonna do anything more than answer their questions. I was happy I got rid of them. I always go by the premises that it's better not to talk to anybody than to spend an hour of your life pretending you're listening to God knows what crap.
Later, I was sorry. I got a bit bored. A lot of people left. I was still alone, dancing by myself and lost in my head. I looked around to find someone to talk to. He didn't want to talk. I didn't feel bad till one minute later when he went to the opposite side of the room, as if I had lice. Why do all guys thing talking means fucking?
So I chilled with the talking part. I looked at the clock again. 4 thirty. 30 more minutes and I can take the first bus home. I looked again. 4 35... 4 42... 4 48... 4 51... 4 56... Damn it! It's almost 5, I can go now!
I'm out from the smoke, the crowd and the music. It's dark, actually I can barely see. I'm alone, walking fast, with my jacket zipped till up, my hands thrown deep in my pockets and my head between my shoulders. It's quiet and it's raining fast. I feel the wet, cold drops on my face. Soon, my pants get all wet around my knees and at my heels. I hate when that happens. They glue to my feet and I start to shiver. It's so fucking cold! I wish I had someone to chat or at least my music. The way to the bus stop is so long. It seems longer than ever. I'm sleepy and I think of my big, hot, soft bed. I hit a puddle and then another one and next thing I know, my feet are all wet. Shit!
I walk even faster, shivering and pulling my hands as close as I can to my chest. The wind seems to undress me. I feel wet and naked. I am pissed off. I think I should be sad or depressed. I don't think I'm pretty right now. Was I pretty tonight?
I thought I was. I was wearing that nice blue top. And I had a nice make up. I liked my hair. I felt pretty but only loosers came to talk to me. Was I dressed like a looser? Was I so unapproachable? I was told I sometimes look unapproachable. I don't think I ever am, unless the guy is an absolute asshole.
Back to real life! I reached the bus stop. Still, there were no buses on the street. It might be still a bit too early. But I couldn't stay any longer in that stupid club. I hated all the stupid, drunk, kissing and acting cool people who were there. Like that guy with the hat. At first, I thought he was cute. Then as I saw how big he's trying to look, staying next to the DJ, bringing him drinks, then chillin at the bar and talking to some waiter and hitting on girls. He started looking lamer and lamer. And then, as he started hitting on the most unbelievable girl there, a chick who definitely didn't belong there, on high heels, short skirt and a stupid t shirt, overall make up three finger thick and blonde hair... I was completely disgusted. I'd rather stay like this, wet and cold, in the rain, than stay among them for another minute. I sit down on a wet bench and my bottom suddenly feel very cold. Darn! Well, it's too late so I might as well relax and at least rest my feet. Some guys appear from out of nowhere. They light a cigarette. I search for mine but realise I have no more. I ask for one and then we chat a bit. They leave afterwards. I still wait for the bus. I look at the clock. Only 10 minutes. It's 5 and 12 minutes. I don't know when the first bus arrives. I'm waiting, imagining my room and my bed. I love my room. I hate rain!
At 5 19, the first buss arrives. It's not mine. I sit back and cross my fingers. Please come! Buses start coming one after the other but it's pointless, because mine doesn't. People come and go. It's 5 43. An hour ago, I was still in the club. I think I should have stood a bit longer. At least it was hot! 4 47, two guys talking about rastafari life come in the bus station. They seem very cool and confident but I smile for myself when I realise they're only 17. They're planning to take the same bus as I do. I smile again. Guys, you'll have to wait for a long time. They go on and on about rasta and chicks and rastachicks and weed and legal weed and concerts and clubs and school and teachers. I don't listen to them anymore. I know I'm dosing. My eyes close and then I open them fast and scared, thinking I lost the bus.
And then I hear one of the rasta kids saying the magic phrase. I see the bus coming. Big, white, definitely dry and taking me home. I'm happy, so happy as if I saw heaven. I jump in and sit down. I fall asleep with my hands inside my sleeves. I wake up one station before me. I always do that and I never realise how. I get down and then almost run. I can see my beautiful bed in front of me, waiting like the hottest guy on earth, all naked and welcoming and meant to give me the best time ever. I throw my wet clothes on the floor. I'm too tired to be tidy. I jump between the sheets and slide to the left side. This is my favorite position. I sigh... What a long Saturday night tonight... And all those people at that concert... So much dust... The music was still good... I danced like crazy... My feet don't hurt that bad anymore... It's so dark and good in my room... I feel sleep sliding slowly and softly... such a nice feeling...

...........................................................................

2009-09-05T11:34:00.003+03:00

I'm in a blank. I've been thinking about writing here for a long time but just couldn't get the right words. Hate that.
Nothing changed and everything's somehow different. So... I guess I'll take a break. Maybe it's the going away stress.

Tiny as can be

2009-08-26T18:44:00.002+03:00

Something really funny just happened to me. I was listening to a nice song with my eyes closed and when I opened them, in front of my left eye was a tiny, tiny, tiny green spider. He was descending slowly on an invisible string. And I took him on my finger and I could barely see him. And then I've let him climb on the top of my laptop. He stood there for a while and then, all of a sudden, he disappeared.
Have a nice day dear spider!

The candyman has left the building

2009-08-26T01:05:00.005+03:00

I'm disappointed. Again. I guess I put too much trust into people who don't deserve it.
The facts are simple. I went 600 km for a guy. Mr.music, of course. The guy for me, as I thought. I didn't do it because I'm some kind of stalker or I'm very bored, I did it because he asked me to. I did it happy and without any doubt things are finally going to be right, even for a few days. He was supposed to call, as you all know, Monday. And Monday passed without any sign. I said he must be tired or busy or whatever. Tuesday, I waited till the evening and still no sign. So I thought that maybe he's shy, maybe he's shamed he didn't call Monday, maybe he was waiting for me to say something. So I texted him. Simple and clear: "I'm here". His reply? None. An hour passed, then two, then three and now it's quite obvious he's not going to say anything anymore. And besides the disappointment, because I feel there's no sense in getting upset on these kind of things, I'm puzzled by two things:
First, why would he ask me to come, fix the day, promise he'll make time to spend only with me (without me even asking for it) and then just shut up?
Second, supposing he's got some problems, supposing he's not here yet, supposing he's very busy or just saying the obvious, that he's not interested anymore, why not even bother to text me plain and say we're not going to meet anymore?
Is this too hard? Am I asking too much? Am I being too desperate or too intruding? I'm sorry if it looks like that but for the simple reason I came such a long way for him, I deserve the 7 cents he would pay for a text message. I don't want anything else but the respect he should show for my effort.
But screw it. In this picture he's the only child. I feel good about keeping my part of the deal and if he's not man enough to say it right, than it's his loss, not mine. It's even a gain to not have allowed myself to invest feelings and time in something he clearly wouldn't have appreciated.
So what's the deal with all those guys running around, making promises, acting all in love and everything and then just vanishing from earth? In my mind, as long as things were simple and we both knew it was only a thing and that my departure would prevent any hardcore feelings to show up, I would have at least taken advantage of things and fucked the girl if I were him. Really, guys, when will you grow up and at least see your own interest?

Almost the end of the cookie

2009-08-25T10:36:00.003+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7xriQdxHQo
This is a very beautiful remix of a great song. I think I like it even better than the original. Anyway, it's Tuesday morning and I just woke up.
There was, as I expected, no sign from mr.Music yesterday. If he doesn't call today, he kinda ate his cookie with me. My girlfriends are almost revolted on my will to stay here till I first said and not to call him. They have their reasons and maybe they're right. I did come half a country for him and I did wait for his sign. It's true, I met my other friends, but I wouldn't have been here if it wasn't for his promise.
But unexpectedly weird, I'm not stressed, I'm not nervous, I'm not even bothered by his silence. I just refuse to let this change my good mood. I feel there's no need to get freaked out for a guy. As I was saying to a good friend of mine last night, there are too many guys around to waste your time with someone who doesn't know how to appreciate. If he won't call soon, it's only going to be his loss. I'm done with kids, huge personalities and impressionists. If that guy wants to be next to me, he's got to work on his behaviour a bit. Maybe not only a bit, a lot more than now. He'd better have a very good excuse for doing this.
I have to confess I got a bit turned on now that I'm writing about it, but definitely not as I would have usually been. I guess he's already starting to lower in my eyes and I somehow feel it's too much of an effort to find arguments for keeping him on the same place.
So how could anyone understand guys when they seem to be running around with their brain home in a jar?

Rusted and dusted

2009-08-24T15:25:00.003+03:00

I have a HUGE hangover! The earth is still spinning although I've been awake for a lot of time and I only had 4 beers. I guess alcohol mixed with antibiotics is the cheapest way to get totally drunk!
Today, Mr. Music should return and call me to meet. This is what he said last week and judging the distance I've made only to meet him, it would be nice to do it as fast as he can. Still, I have a feeling he's not gonna call. It's good that I'm not that stressed about it anymore. I was very anxious till I got here, but now I'm more relaxed, knowing that with him, usually things never came out the way I thought they would. But I don't think he'll call. I'd call him, but I don't want to seem desperate. I did come a long distance and although I miss him and can't wait to hold him in my arms, I don't want to stress him or force him in any way. I like things to come along equal from both sides. And I've already told him a lot about my feelings and all that, so... I have to wait.
It's a beautiful day. If I weren't so sick after last night, I would have taken a long walk in the park.

Back to the roots

2009-08-23T19:22:00.001+03:00

I’m in my soul-city again. I flew in the other evening and some friends came to the airport to pick me up. I love being picked up by people at the airport exit. I always get so excited and joyful and I can’t wait to hug them tight. Well, me, I think I’ve got a special relationship with my friends here. I love and admire them so much and I’d be able to stay forever and listen to them recalling memories and never get bored. I realise I’m very lucky to have such people around. So I kissed and hugged the guys, left my luggage home and then joined them for a beer.
And now, from the classic file of „The world looks big but it’s quite small”, I’ll tell you a short story about a boy who drives his bike around all the time. We met two or three years ago when I was here on the Christmas vacation. I don’t remember exactly how things happened, but we ended up going for a drink and after I left, chatting on the phone for the next two or three months. Till it all slowly ended without my or his notice. And now, three years later, I sit at the table with my guy-friends and there he is, at the same table. The fact is that none of us could remember where we knew each other from. And after many minutes of torture, I remembered. And he did also. We laughed, talked about what happened in the meanwhile, got dizzy with booze and admitted how unexpected things are sometimes. We didn’t exchange phone numbers again.
But I started this post with other intentions. Yesterday morning, I saw for the first time my great grandparent’s graves. We went to my grandmother’s birthplace and then we went to the cemetery. I never saw a funeral (because I’d rather remember someone the way he or she was when alive, not dead in a box) and rarely walked in a cemetery. But now, as we entered and there was all this magical silence, I was charmed. I was walking slow, as if I tried not to wake anybody up. I felt chills up and down my spine as I touched the gravestone for the first time. And I was thinking for myself that this is where I’d like to be burried too. Everything was green and silent, wild flowers grew not only on the graves, but also around them. There were some trees that chased the light away and far away sounds of a lazy village. I heard a church bell and a man guiding his cows on a field, some children screaming and laughing and an old dog. Just like in a story. I have never seen a more peaceful place. There, at the end of the world, where there isn’t electricity and even the cellphone is dead, I felt the peace and quiet of life.
I looked at the grave thinking about the people resting there, my great grandmother and my great grandfather. I wonder how they looked like. I wonder how they were. I wonder if they ever thought that a child of the child of their child would sit there one day contemplating. And I felt sad to see other graves covered in flowers and this one grey. So I walked around and picked white and yellow flowers and made a small bunch that I left on the stone. And I smiled. I said „Nice to meet you great grandma and grandpa. Thank you.”. And then I left and headed back to civilisation to have a beer and play some darts with a friend. There was just too much emotion in that place to stay too long or think too much about it. But I’ll go back one day there with my kids.

Yellow Supergirl

2009-08-19T23:15:00.003+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u5oe4QqRzKg
This is buzzing around in my head tonight. I just received the first pic with me and Mr.Music and I stood admiring it for 5 minutes and wondering how this beautiful thing could even be. I was looking at his embrace and at my lips almost covered by his and at his hand slowly holding my cheek and at our closed eyes. I could feel as if I were still there. I'll be caught in the very same embrace next week and days go fast and at the same time slow. Time passes and I get nervous because I'm so scared of looking into his eyes when knowing I won't do it too long. Time passes and I get stressed because it's so much time left till I'll get to look into his eyes. Four days seem like eternity now. It's only going to be three tomorrow.
As I was going by subway today, I realised I made another step ahead. After the never-ending break with Mr.5 a.m., I kept listening obsessively to some songs I associated with him and getting really upset and pissed off every now and then. At one point, I turned upside down and just couldn't listen to any of those anymore. So I didn't for I guess three months now. Till today, when my mp3 skipped to the exact song he sang one dear night after we made love: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CawkXh-WboQ
Usually, I would have skipped it fast, but I didn't. Usually, I would have remembered about everything and gotten sad; I remembered, but the sadness didn't come anymore. I still think about that moment and I'll think about it for the rest of my life because it was one of the most beautiful things I recall. Still, now I don't get the craving and the despair feeling, I don't get the sadness, I don't get the small cold heart. I listened to it and I smiled. He was a nice kid and I was crazy in love with him. But today, I'm finally over you, Mr.5 a.m. It took quite some time!

I know

2009-08-17T08:09:00.005+03:00

I woke up really early today. Had to. But I don't feel like sleeping again now.
I'm listening to a song over and over ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FwFLwYvq1wQ ) and it makes me so confident in everything. I know things will come and go. I know I'll laugh again, I know I'll cry again, I know I'll love and I'll be heartbroken, I'll be sick and get well, I'll meet people and lose contact with other people, I'll go to new places and come back to places I know, I'll learn and then forget again, I'll walk, I'll run, I'll sit and think, I'll sleep and I'll loose a lot of nights, I'll make love again one day, I'll listen to music, I'll have that tattoo I dream of, I'll eat foods I've never even thought of, I'll talk and I'll listen, I'll keep writing and then get pissed off and erase it all, I'll be held in warm arms early one morning in a bright room with big windows and vaporous curtains, in a huge bed with red sun comming in.
I have all the time in the world

Train your brain

2009-08-16T12:56:00.003+03:00

My biggest frustration is that I never feel I know enough. It all started long ago, in the time I just started dating guys. I was going out with this very cool, very charming, very wanted and very willing young boy. Boy is actually not the best expression, as he was about 5 years bigger than me and with a whole lot more experience. My biggest wish was to be with him, as I thought he was definitely my true love, he couldn't be otherwise when he appeared so crazy, pretty, daring and sexy. His biggest wish, you can guess easily, was to screw me. Fortunately, although I didn't know too much, I had the presence to say no to his many wild suggestions. The guy tried once, twice, three times, but, as all young fellows, got bored and gave it all up. Feeling things falling apart, I thought a serious talk could bring some light on this issue. I fixed a date with him and when we were supposed to meet, I went to his place instead of the fixed one, not surprised at all when I found him by the computer. We had a long talk that was very painful to me, but I kept my head high and held myself together. I just had to know why he didn't want to be with me anymore. And the poor guy, acting cool and not wanting to reveal his failure, had the best reason I ever heard: "You are still a kid. You should read more, find out more, grow up. Look at you, you've painted flowers with the crayon on your hand!". I said ok, thank you, have a nice life, I took my backpack and my jacket and headed for the subway. And when I was certain he couldn't see me anymore, I sat down and cried a bit. I felt small, sad and stupid. And that's when I said to myself I'll learn more and more and more every day that goes by.
And now that I think back, I thank this guy for doing this. Although I don't think he ever thought of the implications his words will have, he was one of the catalytics of who I am right now.
But the bad thing in all this is that every day, I find something that I have no idea about. Regardless it is a band, a movie, a book, a person, a place, a saying, a flower, a drink, a food, a habit, a joke, I always feel a bit of jealousy mixed with admiration towards the person who knew it. I want to know more, a lot more, everything they know, and if it's possible, as soon as possible. I want to listen to all the songs, see all the movies, read all the books, hear about all the people, see all the places, learn all the expressions, photograph all the flowers, have all the drinks, cook all the foods, try all activities and make everyone laugh with the jokes only I know. I guess I need very much attention and I'm very insecure. Not too many news till now. But the bad part is that sometimes, the other person thrills me so much that I can't even open my mouth to talk. It's not that I don't know what to say, it's just that I wish so much I could spend some more time with this guru, that I do my best to think everything three times before saying it so that I'm sure I don't talk crap. And this usually, instead of making it better, gives everyone the impression I'm arrogant or not interested or just stupid. I'm simply just shy.
I felt the need to talk about this because once again, I bumped into a very smart person's blog and I felt inhibited. I red it amazed, I looked at the pictures, I drilled on the smart posts. And then I looked at my love-novel and felt pity. But as always, I'm gonna grow up and make it better and better. And this keeps me going. I'll take creative writing classes one day, you'll see!

Drifting with my mind on you

2009-08-15T16:56:00.006+03:00

I'm so happy. I'm that happy that not even my kidneys playing pranks on me again can't make me frown. I'm glowing of happiness. Thinking things over and over in my head like I usually do, I get happier and happier. I listen to him singing again and again the same song. I watch him hold the microphone like he held me last night. Before he left, he came to say goodbye and he kissed my cheeks and hugged me tight. And I guess everyone knows about us now, because there were some moments when his colleagues said things with two meanings. And this made me smile. His hug was warm and long, longer than a hug you'd give your friend, his hug was warm and delicate, but I could feel it was difficult to let go. As we drifted further, our hands slided on each other slowly, till the tip of our fingers. And as I was lost, all weld to his chest, I kept my eyes closed to catch the moment, as I was pushing my nose deep into his shoulder. I got dizzy for a second and as he left without having the courage to look at me again, I knew he was lost too. I feel it's so hard for him to be here and then to be far, by the way he walks away, just like I do when I'm broken. We both keep our head up, we step heavy and secure, we don't turn, we breath deep and we put a chill mask on. But there's fire inside. And as he left, I called him and asked for another kiss. And he turned and grabbed me by my waist, with his eyes wondering far away in his secret world full of beautiful sounds. As I said so many times before, him being close to me makes it right. I had no hope of this happening again. Last night, I came sure I was going to get drunk and cry while throwing up. I was sure this was going to be the last time I was going to see him. I wanted to ask him to kiss me one more time, but I was sure I wouldn't have the guts. I was sure I wouldn't be able to talk to him, I was sure he would just ignore me and I was certain I would say it's all for the best in the end. But it's not like that. I hope so much that things are going to come out the way we planned this time. Oh, I can't wait to jump on that train and leave as fast as I can! I can't wait to dive into music again!

I think I'm dreaming about your smile

2009-08-15T15:09:00.003+03:00

I haven't written on my blog for a long time. I went to the concert and nothing happened. We chatted for 10 minutes and then I had to go. He asked me to stay a bit longer and I said I'm sorry, but I couldn't. And then I was hoping, actually I was almost sure, we'll meet the other day at the seaside and we'll share my tent. I met cuz and his gf and I asked about Mr.Music. "Are we all going to meet there?" I innocently said. And they said "No, he left this morning. He went home.". Imagine my face that moment. I felt I could tear my skin off and bite my muscles out. I bit my lips hard, so hard that blood came out. I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, I couldn't see anything because tears were bouncing out like popcorn. I wanted to sit down on the grass but I was too nervous. I couldn't find my place. Just like I always do, I walked back and forth saying to myself "It's ok, it's ok, it's ok!". I knew it wasn't, I knew I was going to get so drunk tonight. I did. And then, when I woke up, I felt a bit better. I came back home the other day. I listened to conjure one all day yesterday. I thought about mr.Music all day yesterday, anxious to see him again. I did. I watched him play again, I sang along while I was reliving every moment we had together in my head. I love watching his fingers running around on the strings. I like how he's closing his eyes and suddenly he seems trapped in his own world. I wonder what he's thinking about when he's up there, in front of all these people. I wonder what he's imagining on every song. I wonder if he ever thought about me when he sang. I knew he couldn't see me from behind the lights so I kept my eyes on him almost all the time. And I felt I was falling in love with his way of being. I closed my eyes and imagined myself next to him there, taking his hand. I imagined there were only me and him and he was singing to me. I actually felt he was singing to me one song. I don't know why, because he didn't look this way, he didn't say anything... Oh, stupid me. I would have liked to know he was singing it to me.
Anyway, after he finished, I just couldn't wait to talk to him, just to get close and look into his eyes once more. And I went to thank him for the invitation to the concert. And then I just felt so desperate and I knew this was going to be the last time we met. And I ran along one more time in my head all my thoughts and all my hopes and I knew I had to let him know. I knew if I didn't do that, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. So I said I have something that tortures me and that he has to know. I said the only way I can calm down is by telling it to him. So as he took my hand and we went backstage, my heart started pounding like crazy. We sat down and I was feeling him so close that it made me tremble. And then I lost my words, my voice was uncontrolled, I got all red. He smiled and I said that he has to know that I have a crush on him. He has to know it's not my ego, because an ego can't possibly keep you from eating before meeting him. Love can. He said he thought about what happened between us and that he was sorry about what he said that terrible morning. He said he realised afterwards and he knew he made a mistake as I was leaving. I told him I was very hurt because he didn't come to the seaside. He didn't expect me to want him to be there. And then he asked if I could come spend a few days with him. And I said I was thinking about that.
And then we were both quiet and our hearts were beating fast, fast, fast. I was breathing as if I ran the whole day. And then I felt his eyes and I turned mine, just to meet his thrilled look. And I was amazed to see the same thing I saw when we kissed the first time. And that second I knew it was all going to be ok again, I knew we were going to kiss and I knew he was thinking about me as much as I was, I knew he has been torturing himself as much as I have, I knew he was going to dream about me tonight, I knew he had the same thing inside his head.
There's this song I think fits the way he makes me feel:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BA-8yznys7k&feature=related

I'll...

2009-08-05T21:56:00.004+03:00

I miss my blog so much! I miss it now, while writing on it. I'm gonna miss it even more tomorrow when I'll be far away in the sun. I'll miss it because things are going to happen this week. There's gonna be a concert and there are going to be a couple of days at the sea again. There's gonna be my small tent and maybe there's gonna be more than me in it. There's gonna be music and hotels and beach and sand and coffee and cigarettes and a whole lot of love. Love with capital letters. There's going to be Mr.Music and I hope he's gonna be for more than two hours. I'm thinking two days. I'm thinking I'm a bit, just a tiny bit, crazy about him. Don't know why, I already told you. I get a bit of a shiver thinking I'll be watching him in three days. I'm thinking if he's going to smile to me from the stage. I'm hoping he will. And yes, I'll play cool, calm, relaxed and tough. I'll do it while I'll be melting inside slowly. I'll do it with my pupils dilated and my lips wet. I'll do it while trying to smell his perfume and touch the place he sat. I'll be so antagonic and so clear at the same time. I really wish there will be more. I wish we made love.

Dead end

2009-08-01T12:02:00.003+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9eHus6M7Gpk
Mr.Music disappointed me. I thought things were clear enough but I guess I’m back to the „What do you want” part. He’s afraid to be with me because I’m leaving and because we’re from two different cities. He said it’s better not to. After he made me believe otherwise. We talked about this in the morning after another night of hardcore drinking. At the same time, he wanted me to come to concert he’s going to have at the seaside, where I was planning to go when I thought we were going to be together. He asked if there was anything he could do to convince me to spend three days with him at the seaside after the concert. I looked at him like I was looking at a crazy person and asked „Why would I do that?”. He kept mumbling something about me seeing him again after tonight, after he kinda broke up with me without us being actually ever together. Flattering, huh? Same thing that happened with mr.5 a.m..
I’m tired of those things and I told him exactly what I thought: He’s a coward for this, not only for not wanting to try but also for making me believe something, then switching and then wanting things to be as if we were together. What am I then? That’s a nice way of saying he’s using me. What about my feelings? And then I did the most stupid thing I could have. He asked if he could kiss me. And I said „Can you?”. And he could. And although it makes no sense, it did to me. I thought that kissing means he changed his mind and he really did have a chance to change his mind and say he’s saying stupid things. He asked at one point if I could go with him to the park today. I said yes. As I left for my place, I asked what about the park. He said he doesn’t know and that he’ll call when he wakes up.
And out of the blue, I’m a bitch again. The joy was short and stupid. What’s the big deal to fall in love and suffer a bit? What’s that big fuss? I felt like crap. His last chance is today. Everything depends on his phonecall (in case there’s any) and our meeting (if there’s any). I think I’m beginning to be sorry. I thought life looks a bit different but his „I need stability” argument doesn’t stand up. Why would he then make me think about more if it wasn’t the case from the beginning. „You’re so cool and great and I feel things for you and I’ll feel more if we’re together and then you’ll go.”.
You know what? Fuck it!

First date

2009-07-31T13:33:00.004+03:00

I've been on the first date with mr.Music the other day. Besides the "I loved it" part that was quite obvious, it was also very surprising. We started with going for a drink in a bar, where he bumped into some friends. Soon, our date turned, without my joy or satisfaction, into a musical gathering. It was still really cool and interesting because I met some interesting people who had something to say, but I was kinda frustrated because I was hoping for only me and him to be there. After some beers, we left for a friend's place where we drank some more...till 8 a.m.
We were both drunk and trying to have smart talks in the kitchen. Finally, we decided to go have some sleep but didn't really get to the sleep part, respecting the hotel pattern.
I like how he makes me feel. It's hard to explain, but he makes me smile with all my face. The way I always do when in love. I didn't tell too many people about us. It feels good to keep it hidden, it feels as if I have the biggest truth on earth inside and nobody knows. Even now, when I'm alone in the room, I'm remembering how he held me and kissed my hands and my face and neck and everything, and I smile so much. I barely believe it's true.
We'll meet tonight too. That morning as we were walking home, he kept saying he's an idiot for getting drunk while having a date with me. He kept saying I'm so nice and he likes me so much and from all the things he could do, he gets drunk. I told him: "Relax, it's not as if I was chewing all night on a coca-cola straw.". I got pretty wasted too. The resolution he came to was to promise that he'll never get drunk at another date with me. And he seems very determined, as he kept mentioning it every time we talked. The getting drunk thing never bothered me, although I have to admit that it might have been a total turn off for other girls. I'd rather see how a guy behaves when drunk. And he behaved really well. He never lost his control and never ceased being a gentleman.
So I'm curious now how he's gonna be tonight, but I'm sure I'll be melted the second I see his face. Can't wait!

Let the music in

2009-07-30T18:23:00.006+03:00

Now who can ever say something for sure in this life? Not me, that's clear. It's enough to read my last posts and then to see this one to realise life is fucking great sometimes.
I've had the best time ever at the festival last week. I danced and felt so free, as free and happy as can be. I had no boundaries and deceptions, there were just the sun, the joy and the music. And as if this wasn't enough, more was about to come.
Let me make the introductions to the new chapter: Mr.Music. We met time ago, none of us remembers when, through a friend and some casual happenings. He's singing in a band I like, so I saw him sometimes when I caught a concert. Still, I had no thought about anythings whatsoever. I swear that till saturday night, it never even crossed my mind whether he's cool or not. We said hi from time to time, we never shared more than two sentences, I never thought this would ever become something else. I could have sworn love has moved away from my street.
Still, it was about 4 a.m., after a BIG party night at the festival, when we bumped into each other at some "dancing on mixed music" thing. We had a few chats earlier that night, more than we ever did before, we danced together, we said jokes and laughed out loud. And at one point as I was dancing very drunk holding his hand trying not to fall, it hit me right in my face: I like him. Just like that. No prior thought, no clear reason, I just felt this terrible attraction, as if he just landed on the same lane and I just had no other choice. Before I could actually go find out anything about him, like single or not, good or bad, etc., he asked me to take a walk with him outside and kiss. Just like that. Usually I would think this is kind of rude, but this time, it just felt the right thing to say. And even before that, as I had my spark moment, I could have sworn it was all going to be fine. I had this feeling of calm and of confidence and security.
So we kissed and we drank some more and then, late in the morning, let's say around 8, we went to sleep in my tent. The funny part is that we ended up in the corn field nearby. It was wonderful. When I woke up at noon and went for the bathroom, I left him there, in the corn, with my sleeping bag and my jacket. The funniest part is that in the meanwhile, I forgot where exactly I left him, so I spend about 15 minutes searching with a friend. In the end, she saw something moving and asked: "Excuse me, did you happen to see a sleeping bag that's not yours around here?". The reply was: "I'm sitting on a sleeping bag that's not mine, but I didn't see any other one around." We were still in the middle of a fucking cornfield. It's not like you can find sleeping bags all over. It turned out the person was mr.Music himself! We laughed and hugged and then went for his pass, because he was supposed to sing that day. After he asked me, I joined him at the hotel and we spent the whole afternoon kissing and cuddling in each other's arms.
Then I saw him at the concert and as he was up there, on stage, I had this new feeling, something mixed from pride, joy, admiration and flirt. He was there and there were I don't know how many girls in that room wishing to touch him. Me, I did even more, I spent 24 hours next to him, I kissed him, we held hands, he held me in his arms as we slept, we danced together, he caressed my skin and kissed my hands. He was there next to me and although nobody knew, I knew it inside. Don't get me wrong, it's not that he's singing. I think this could have happened the same if he weren't. It's this bond between us that I feel and that has nothing to do with his job. Yeah, it felt good to see him up there on stage, but I would have felt the same no matter the area of accomplishment.
So I have this stupid smile on my face all the time. I'm so happy that I could scream. I told a few friends about it, but the biggest part is still just between him and me. I'm falling in love blindfolded and it feels good and warm. welcome to my world, mr.Music. And thank you for inviting me in yours.

Late

2009-07-22T01:36:00.002+03:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8Qwg5x7kc8&feature=related
I wish I had a cigarette. I had a sucky day. I wish I has a smoke for this sucky day. All I've planned went some other way around and ended up bad. Things are fucked up I guess, but I'm too lazy to think about them. I've got tired of the two guys. I think it's kinda coming to the end with both of them just because they can't raise any of my eyebrows anymore unless it's for disappointment. I don't like people not keeping their word and this seems to be happening with a lot of the ones around me lately. I'm too laid back to be impressed by any work or personal issues that can come between them and something we planned for some time. As I said to a friend tonight, I got sick of the relationships and now I'm getting sick of the flings also. So I guess I'll just limit myself to a nice hot bath and long walks alone. It's healthier and less disturbing than being called 10 minutes before the hour and told that we have to drop it till tomorrow. I'm not planning to call my special friend nor mr. dancer anymore. It's too much consumption for something that seems not to go anywhere. Friday, I went out to a club. I think I wrote a post about what happened. Anyway, the lazy feeling remained and now I don't even want to date anymore. I just feel stressed by the amount of stuff I have to do tomorrow...actually in 5 hours. I think 24 hours won't be enough. I hope they will. I'm so tired that I can't sleep. I think I won't. I feel that tonight is a nice night to loose. I wish I had a beer now but I won't have any. I'm really keeping the no drinking thing I promised myself. I think I had a small issue with alcohol the past months. So I decided it's healthier to stop for a bit. And it feels good. I'm drinking so much water that I amaze myself. I don't want to do anything. I just listen to music and dream away. It's coming soon, I can feel it.

Easy as can be

2009-07-21T11:40:00.002+03:00

http://vodpod.com/watch/1131580-no-doubt-simple-kind-of-life
Yep, this is what I'm searching for. I guess I'm kinda disappointed by my special friend. He's still nice and kind, but he's feeling things and I'm afraid stuff might change. I'm afraid because last night when we met he got into some kind of odd game thing. Still, I'm proud I didn't play it too and I refused to get upset just because this was the role he thought I'd play. Anyway, he said a lot of girls are very complicated and they can make things incredibly messed up. Then he looked at me, smiled and said: "You're not like that. I like you because you keep things clear.". But then I guess he unconsciously tested this with the game I told you about. He's trying to bring me on the feeling path and I keep my head above the water like a mule. I think love is great but I don't want it in the near future. I'm not a whore, I just need a break from all the complicated relationships. I need quiet and warmness from the guys in my life. I need simple things and I need some guys to wake me up in the morning with a coffee without expecting a kiss in return.
Simple kind of life.

Lovely Sunday

2009-07-19T23:03:00.005+03:00

Woke up late, just like everyone should do on a perfect Sunday. I bought the ticket for the festival this week-end and then had a "grande" coffee and a couple of cigarettes, planning a pimps and hoes party with cuz.
In the evening, it got even better: I met a very dear friend, a warm-soul person I just adore. We had a soda on a hidden terrace from a very quiet street. I opened my soul and she opened hers. We smiled at each other like two blossoming trees and we held hands as she took me for a long walk on old streets. I love her because she can always make me smile with my whole face. Everytime we meet, she loves to take me on small streets I've never been before till we get lost. We look at the houses, we imagine who's living there and we're talking about how we're gonna be in the future. We dream together about everything and when I meet her, life seems like a dream. An exuberant, beautiful dream. Time with her is like cotton candy. We stopped at a supermarket and she bought some honey cookies. I swear those were the best cookies I ever had. They were crunchy, but not too hard, the sweetest I ever tasted, with honey flowing not only inside of them, but also on my fingers. I licked each of them about ten times after and the heaven taste was still here. My lips were sweet and sticky. I think I would have loved to be kissed by a guy that very moment. I left her in the bus station after hugging her a lot and feeling so sad because we won't meet again till late august. She's gonna have a wonderful trip to a far-away place I wish I'll go someday too. She understands me from a blink. She knows how to hold me when I'm sad and she can bring comfort into my mind like no other friend I have.
I waited for a long time for my bus. The best thing is that today, after dreaming while lost on green streets, I found again my love for Tori Amos. So today's song is one very close to my heart: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpLCFph9iv4&feature=related
My two relevant guys both made me smile today. My special friend seems to slowly fall into me. Mr.dancer seems very anxious and excited to meet me tomorrow. Me, I'm floating of happiness. Well it seems I've got to think another option, what if I fall in love with both? Crazy as I know myself, this is highly possible. Oh, pretty good day. I love my life right here and right now. The sky is blue

Me and my kidneys

2009-07-18T23:05:00.002+03:00

Ok, so I guess all the curses came right back like a boomerang. My kidneys and I are spending a lovely saturday night on the toilet.
Please excuse my very sarcastic tone, but I've been through some hysteric crysis caused by the huge amount of pain and discomfort. How did it look? Imagine a grown woman (girl if you prefer) in a white bathrobe dropping on her knees at the end of the bed and crying like crazy while crouching and balancing her ass from one foot to another. Pretty funny, huh? Well it seemed to me also, so as I was waiting in the emergency room, I bursted in a stupid laughter while imagining this was all I'm going to do for the next days. That very moment, the doctor came out and asked me if I was also waiting in line. I said yes and he said it's a great way to spend my saturday night. I said "Tell me about it. I'm having crazy fun here!". And 10 minutes later, after he checked my file and watched my beloved interior organs on tv, I found out that I really had a good reason to laugh earlier. Indeed, this is how I'll spend the next days, as there seems to be no other treatment as the one I'm already taking. So the cute doc (because yes, he was cute and kinda flirty... who would have thought you can find cute guys in such places?) said: "You just have to keep taking your pills and be patient. I'll eventually pass.". OH GRRREAT!!!
So, as I said before, I moved my stuff in the bathroom (it's a good thing to have two bathrooms in the house, ei?), I'm drinking tones of still water and I'm talking to some of the very few people online at this time. Oh, I just love myself for that! Why would I ever want to go out of the house when I can entertain myself so cheap?
Oh, I could kill for a cigarette right now. I so wish I could smoke in the bathroom!
Today's bottom line? Just when you think you couldn't have more fun than you do... think again!

Lazy

2009-07-18T12:07:00.003+03:00

Last night, after I arrived to the club, was boring. For the first time in my life I was too lazy to do anything. I wasn't in the mood to drink so I gave the shot to someone else, I wasn't in the mood to dance so I fooled around a bit and then I decided I'm getting myself tired with no good reason, I wasn't in the mood to speak so I didn't make friends with any group, I wasn't in the mood to hook up, so I looked at the cute guy with black eyes and wild, short, uncut beard and then I left home. And all this because I was so lazy. It seemed such a huge energy to waste that I felt wasn't worth in investing. But I liked my chill lonely club night. It made me feel confident.
The cute guy I date, which I'm gonna call mr. dancer, called late last night and said he might come to the club I was in also. This also kinda messed up my plans because I didn't want to get into the stupid "I'm kissing a guy and the other is round the corner and looking". So I stood back on my pretty ass and didn't do to much. At one point I saw the way the cute black eyed guy was looking and texted mr. dancer: "Are you still coming or I'm allowed to pick up a guy?". He surprised me a bit because he seems a bit impressed by my presence and I didn't expect his "You can pick up a guy" answer. Still, this has spiced up things a little as we're getting in the same old chase me, chase me game. Silly, ain't it? Silly and maybe hot and definitely boring if he doesn't keep up.

the spark

2009-07-17T17:04:00.003+03:00

Nice week-end rising ahead. Not too much to do, stress level close to zero, charm up to the top of the list. I like the way my hair looks today. Since I've had the haircut, it kept having its own personality and not always on my taste. Today I think my hair is my ally for a nice future hot date.
I feel much better than I did the last days and I have to thank someone above me, who took care of my kidneys this night.
I'm counting the days till the festival next week. I feel a good thing comming. I know something cool will happen.
I'm finally on my feet. The maximum lucidity moment took place yesterday as I was on the toilet (such inspiring place, isn't it?). I had this spark moment and then it was all finally clear. Such a huge rock that raised from my chest!
Oh, I have to tell you this funny thing that happened to me last night as I was returning home. I was with cuz and another guy and this group passed by. One of the guys stopped next to me and told me "I saw you!" and then turned and left. I was wondering (and I still am) who he was and what he wanted to say but I guess it'll always remain a mystery. A funny one.

Random fun 24/7

2009-07-16T14:47:00.003+03:00

I'm casually dating a guy in the past weeks. I didn't get too far from the new pattern: very good looking, younger, tall and totally hot. I didn't write about him till now because I don't quite see him in the picture. Still, I thought today that he should appear around here in a post or two so I can remember the only guy who never stepped on my foot while dancing.
He's quite the dancer as far as I remember. Still, I didn't loose my head and as far as I see things, I'd better stay this way. And because life with only two guys doesn't satisfy all my emotional needs, I think I'll go out searching for a third so I can truly juggle.
One is strictly delimited and oriented, two are best alternatives. When we get to three, we're talking about random fun 24/7.
So let it roll!

kidney-home-arrest

2009-07-16T13:32:00.002+03:00

I guess the curses put upon me by all my super-distressed ex-es have finally worked. I woke up after a quite nice night among some interesting, I might say even cute guys, with a huge thirst and a huge kidney pain. I've been spending my morning in the bathroom just because I realised I would have spent less energy by doing this than by running to use the toilet every 3 minutes. With this occasion, I decided that when I'll live alone I'll never paint my bathroom walls in white. It's quite boring and dull. Also, I'll definetly put a touchscreen-waterproof laptop in the wall right next to the throne. My feet burn from holding my laptop and my ass has definetly taken the form of the toilet seat.
But being sick is sometimes fun. Everyone is a bit more careful with me and I guess I don't mind a bit of spoiling. What makes me sad from all of this is the fact I was supposed to meet some very cool people today and I am not able to do this anymore. Tomorrow I'll definetly feel better, but I'm pissed because I have to go see the doctor for the 10000Th time for nothing to happen in the end. This is frustrating. Anyway, had a great night last night and that's all that counts.

grrrrrrr

2009-07-13T21:42:00.002+03:00

My internet has some issues. I think my internet has a lot of nerve. It's the fact that it doesn't load any page, just the ones it wants......... grrrrr!
I was in the flirty mood now but it seems it's not gonna happen tonight. Ooooooh.....I hate technology!

About my special friend

2009-07-12T23:10:00.003+03:00

My special friend is really special. We met today and spent some time alone at his place. I like the fact that before everything I feel him very close, like a good friend. I like that I can be honest with him and he understands. I like his very protective attitude. I like how he talks about things and doesn't make me feel stupid for not knowing. I like how he sleeps with me. And I liked how he held me when I was telling him bad things from my past. I appreciated that he didn't feel the need to say a word. Most of all, I think I appreciated the fact that he never had the pity attitude. I guess his behaviour is normal, considering the fact he's a smart guy. I guess I was used to some other kind of people around.
It's weird and at the same time really comfortable. I know it's not the relationship stress so I'm very relaxed. I know I can tell him whatever and it's gonna be ok. I know I'm not any woman when we sleep together, but I know this doesn't make me his woman. I know he thinks the same and it's even better.
It's hard to make you guys understand the way this special friendship helps me. It's not only about sex and talk. It's about a lot more, like support and respect. It's about similar points of view. It's about laughing together. It's about being open and not fooling around with nonsense. And it's about freedom in the first place.
My friends told me that I don't want to admit, but we're having a relationship. They couldn't be more wrong. True, when we're together you might get that impression, but deep down, a relationship is about other things. It's about making a future, even a short one, together. It's about learning to live with each other more than with other people. It's about sharing something from a different scale. It's about pride and egos. It's about good or bad despair. It's about melting into the other and making something new out of the both of you. Can you see the difference?
I'm sleepy.

The girl and the ass-attracted drunk

2009-07-11T22:00:00.004+03:00

I'm back home. I was having some second thoughts about this last night but it all went well in the end. Well, everything but the fact that I drank most of my money last night. I have no ideea how I did it, especially because I didn't get any fancy drinks, just good old beer.
Still, last night was funny. At one point, after freezing to death on a terrace, I decided to hit a club and dance. And so I did. Till the point this guy appeared out of nowhere and kept having a weird attraction to my ass. I kept telling him to stop, he kept putting his hands on something that clearely didn't belong to him. In the end, as I saw all the talk couldn't change his behaviour, I left. He came after me as I was trying to catch a cab and said: "Where to, girl? You're supposed to go home with me." My drunk and very sincere reply was "Oh, really? Watch me get in the cab and go straight to my place. Alone." And to respect the pattern he already created, he kept trying to lift me up and take me with him. It was quite funny because his balance, as well as mine, were...you know, weren't. So after this stupid 5 minute struggle - him trying to catch me and me trying to escape, I finally managed to duck and turn very fast without falling and walked away. I couldn't keep myself from putting my tongue out as I went away with the cab. He seemed so drunk and hopeless that I almost felt pity. It's good I was laughing too hard with the cab driver about it, to really think it out. And another night-time adventure ended peacefully in my campaign bed.
So, the girl that went home alone greets the drunk ass-attracted guy and thanks him for the good time. Precious moments for my elderness.

Haunted

2009-07-10T11:35:00.003+03:00

I've decided to shorten my vacation in my hometown from a week to four days. Why? I feel I can't find myself here anymore. I used to love it, now I love it pretty much the same, but I feel it desn't love me anymore.
True, I'm having a couple of bad days. I have to admitt I've left some things unsolved in my past life and now I feel the moment has come and I have to put my cards on the table. I have to have some serious talks. It's like I either do this or I'll remain stuck in the past. And I hate living with ghosts.
It's stupid to spend my time reminescing instead for thinking forward. I have to grow up a little bit more.

Fucked Up

2009-07-10T11:27:00.002+03:00

So this one I wrote last night, but I only publish it today because I had no internet where I'm staying. I have to mention I'm feeling better after a good night sleep.

I’m in the worst depression I’ve ever been. It seems all of a sudden that nothing makes sense anymore. It seems I’ve gone blind and I just can’t see the colours anymore. I can’t feel anythin but pain. I can’t think of anything good. I don’t feel myself. I don’t feel I exist here...I’m invisible and this fucking hurts. I’m not perfect. I am far away from anything that could make me special. I can’t find anything to be proud of. It seems everything I had that was good suddently turned into dust. How did I end up here? How did I end up in my worse nightmear? How did I get to lose my way exactly how I thought I would and hoped I wouldn’t.
I’m looking out the window and it’s dark. It’s so cloudy that I can’t see any stars. No light on the street. No one calling on my phone, not that anyone would have any reason to do this. I look around and I see so many beautifull perfect people. I’m not beautifull, I’m not perfect. I miss myself happy. I miss myself calm. I miss myself in love.
I can’t seem to find anyone interesting. Since mr. 5 a.m. I closed the door to these kind of things. I wish I could fall in love again. I wish I could dream again. I can’t. It’s not his fault, he was just the drop that filled the glass. After years of failing over and over in lovestories, my heart said stop. I’m a bitch with guys. I’m a bitch even with the ones who don’t deserve it. I’m a bitch even with myself. I really wish there could be someone to make me tremble. I wish I could feel my knees melt again. Still, no matter how many people I kiss, the underwater feeling doesn’t come anymore. It’s interesting till I get him to like me, and then I just walk away. I feel that person is stealing my space and my air, I feel he wants too much, I slowly feel sick of him. Since the break-up, I couldn’t find a guy I could say I really liked. Maybe it’s ok to take a break from all of this. I’ve cleared my head from all the shit. I’ve washed my brain with seawater. I’ve burned the wounds. I burried the tears. I walked away again, like I’ve done so many times before: head up, breathing deep and thinking where I’ll be in a couple of years. It makes no sense thinking it over and over. This is gone, that is gone, the other one is gone. It’s me alone in the dark. Again, like so many times before. I wish I could fly away. It’s that stupid thought what if... I’ll never know. Chance doesn’t come just like that. I thought it would be easier.

Straight into the sun

2009-07-03T19:15:00.003+03:00

I'm leaving again. All of a sudden, I'll visit my second love. I'm not talking about guys. They qualify only after the third place. My first love will always be music. My second will always be the sea.
I packed light. I bought my very own tent today and I'm very proud of it. It's, guess what, green. Just like I was the last week. Eco, as someone told me. I can't wait to lay in the sun, I can't wait to have a coffee and listen to reggae, I can't wait to watch the sunrise from the top of the hill, I can't wait to dance till I can't feel my feet, I can't wait to turn around and see a cute guy smiling at me, I can't wait to walk around all day without having to get anywhere, I can't wait to talk to someone new and interesting, I can't wait to wake up and feel the peace I only get there.
If your heart doesn't belong to any place in this world, you should find one soon. The joy of going to meet yourself in other times can't compare to anything.
Have a nice one!