Letter for my darling

Dear Rastaman,

I want you to know that I am really happy to be next to you. I’ve been grumpy and hard to understand, you told me you sometimes find it hard to tell what I’m feeling. I am mad happy when you’re hugging me darling. I’m close to crying when we sleep together because I realize how blessed I am to have you here.
I change moods so much because I’m fighting this way I am. I know it’s not helping me, you or our relationship to play stupid guessing games and I want to stop hiding. I love you so very much and I sometimes have a hard time because I insist in keeping my feet on the ground. The more I know you, the more I like you. The more you smile at me, the more I realize what a wonderful, wonderful person you are and how easy and nice having a relationship with you is. And I get scared because I never want to go back to what I’ve been through before I met you. I get frightened that I’ll do something stupid or you’ll get bored of me or who knows what other stupid ridiculous thoughts. And I take a step back, thinking that in case this happens, the pain will not be as big. Being with you is such joy; it’s like a red sunrise on the beach. Not being with you will not destroy me, but it will hurt and I will maybe loose a bit of faith. But I do realize that this way of mine for trying to keep on guard is not good for our relationship. Because the more time passes, the more I like you and the more I would hurt if this would end. So the more we get stronger, the more I try to keep a step away so I won’t be hurt. But this is just making you feel guilty for something that you never do and me, isolate myself, build walls so that pain won’t reach me. I see now that next to the pain, behind the wall I’m building, is also love, honesty and the true relationship. What I’m living is slowly going from reality to what I see with my ‘objective’ eyes. The over analyzing is destroying my feelings and through that, our relationship too.
I want our relationship to be true; I want it to happen in real life, not to be a projection in my head. I want to allow myself to open up in front of you without being afraid you’ll stop liking me because I’m not mysterious anymore. Meeting you seems meant to be in a way and I refuse to let my fear destroy it. No matter what will happen, I want what we have to be real and honest. I give my word that I will do my best to stop these silly things. I could also use your help. I find it hard to ask, but I do feel more relaxed and further from these thoughts if you speak to me about how you feel. I calm down when we’re intimate to each other and all these stupid thoughts go really far, far away after we make love. I only get weird when I feel I don’t receive attention. But I judge it different. For example, I feel you’re not giving me attention when you go on the internet and stop talking to me or touching me. Because I want to give you privacy, I try always not to stand close to the screen or not to look at the screen, but this implies I stay somewhere on the bed, so that even if I look your way and I see the screen, it’s too far to read, so I know that you know that I look at you and not at what you’re doing if you’re speaking to someone. But this way, I’m usually far away from you so I can’t hold you and usually you’re preoccupied to what you’re doing and there’s a silence that I don’t always know how to deal with. I want you to have enough space and to know I’m not trying to intrude. But I do want to feel you here too.
I don’t want you to change, because it’s who you are that I fall in love with. I like you with all your habits, all your silly jokes that no matter how indecent are, always make me laugh and hug you tight. I like the kid in you just as much as I like the man in you, I like the friend that doesn’t judge me and also the lover that thrills me, I like the funny faces you make and I like how you close your eyes while you kiss me.
My dear Rastaman, I see you and I walk together by the sea and I feel somehow I could explode out of so much happiness.

I love you