200 Posts Anniversary

On such an important occasion, as my 200th post on this blog, I decided to go a bit through what happened in the last year, look with a much more critical eye and draw some conclusions, as any determined self-learner.
I will briefly speak about the main things that happened, how I reacted back then and why, what I thought and felt, and what I understood from each of them.

1. The Dark Ages and the Wild Years

This is the part when I broke up with the guy I spent 5 years of my life next to, and the after-party. Basically, I was living in an unhealthy relationship based on fear and emotional addiction, separated from my real self and really unhappy. It was a very scary step to take, considering the fact that this was my first serious relationship and really wanted it to work for the sake of true love. It didn't and true love seemed to chip a bit of its polish. I was scared but I did it and the short term effects were devastating. It was just like getting off drugs. I had to learn to do everything again, I had to learn to stay alone and I had to keep my direction straight thinking of the better times to come. I felt agressed by my ex, who found out about my blog and felt the need to read and comment although I asked him not to.
After the break-up, there was a lot of adrenaline running in my life, as I cross-pather with Mr. 5a.m. But that's second part. Inbetween relationships, I kept going out and meeting different "wrong" guys.

What I think now?
I don't hate my ex. He was a part of my life, with good and bad. What he never seemed to understand by keeping track of all my moves, is that this relationship is really over. There's no in-between or second thought. I thank him for the times spent together and for learning me some good lessons, even though that was through painful and irrational ways. I'm not sorry for taking this step.
As for the rest of this period, I did do some wild things, but not as bad as the coming summer. All I did was because I felt I had lost a part of my life through the previous relationship. I know it sounds harsh, but why eat shit and say I didn't? So I basically had no interest in serious relationships whatsoever. I remained truly convinced of that until one morning at 5.

2. The Teenage Love Adventure

And so, I met Mr.5a.m. in a bar. And I never thought I'd be serious with him. What happened from my point of view is easy: started dating for fun, ended up falling too much, and in agony after never even being properly dumped. I felt desperate and terribly alone. I felt dead inside and I swore many times that if ripping the skin off would help, I would do it. I waited hoping, not for him comming back, but for an answer. I tried to ask him to tell me the words but never really got hold of anything else but his avoidance. And my true-love hope chipped even more.

What I think now?
It was a wonderful thing to happen because it gave me hope. It gave me a reason to think, it gave me teenage thrills, and one time, it even gave me love. Too bad that didn't last. I thought a lot about what happened. I thought so much, that I learned my thoughts word-by-word. I understood that he was scared and insecure. I know he wanted to look brave and careless and that he wasn't. But he never realised I knew all that and I liked him just like he was. I do think sometimes that he was waiting for a reason to break up. Whatever the context, I don't hate him either. I feel a bit sorry for him for being so afraid to get in touch with his own feelings. He could find so much confort if he would learn to focus on what he likes and not on what's cool. I was indeed really in love with him. Maybe it was also because we got together soon after my long relationship. I do realise that our relationship was close to impossible to keep with thousends of kilometers in between. Although I would have tried, if that was the case. It took me a long time to get over him and I did cry a lot. But that doesn't make me stupid or less human. It makes me brave. I got over him and walked further. In our one or two internet encounters, all he transmitted through his hidden refusal of casually and friendly (not romantically) encounter, is that he still has to grow up a lot. So I hope he'll understand it one day and I hope he'll find a wonderful girl to love. One that loves him just as much, one he will really assume a relationship with.

3. Wild thing

And the most crazy part of last year begins: music, alcohol and guys. In this order. I started listening to more and more music. I started from different clubs, gone to music festivals, had musician flirts, went to see great dubstep djs live and started a relationship with one of them in the end. It was crazy and I went completely wild, didn't take any restrictions and didn't make any plans because I knew it won't last. I was going to leave for a masters anyway. But with this, I also learned the reverse of this side: I felt more alone than ever, I felt used and lost, I felt angry and I cried for disappointment.

What I think now?
It was worth it. I look back and I know that it was a good experience. And as crazy as it might seem, it put me more in touch with myself than anything. I learned about the different lights in which one can see you, I learned that being a muse is not always a good thing and that true love doesn't come with a six-pack of beer.

4. Trying to chill

I arrived for my new life in a different country. I basically started my life from scratch. I got a new house, new flatmates, new uni, new friends and new dates. One of them felt a wise decision, so I tried things the other way around: from relationship to learning to love someone. It didn't work. My relationship with Mr.DJ started based not on romantical interest, but based on what I should do: find a good, smart, honest and hardworking man to have a grown up relationship with. But a relationship can't go on without feelings, so as he was falling for me, I more and more saw him as my best friend. And we broke up saying we'll be friends instead. That didn't work either.

What I think now?
I feel bad for making him hurt. I honestly thought that it would work the other way around. I thought that if we spend enough time togeher, I will learn to love him. I was wrong and I made him suffer. I wish we could be friends, but I understand that he doesn't think the same. He was a wonderfull friend to have and I thank him for that. I hope that girl he's waiting for will come in his way soon. I hope he'll be happy with her and that someday he'll feel different and want to meet for a coffee like good old pals. I know he's going to go really famous one day. He's so devoted and talented that it would be incredible not to. And I'll always laugh about the groupie talk.
This learned me to think reasonable and follow my intuition. I tried to and it seems to work, although the beginning was hard.

5. Charleston Butterfly

And my adventure with Rastaman begins suddenly in a lazy evening when I looked up. There he was, here he is now. I feel I finally got to that mature relationship. I feel loved, respected, appreciated and wanted. I wake up happy next to his smiling face, we shower and make breakfast together. We walk hand in hand, we kiss all of a sudden, we hug closely. He gives me massages when I'm in pain, he tells me I'm really hot after I get histerical because of my PMS, he makes love to me every night. He listens when I talk to him and he understands me. He is supportive and non-judgemental. He trusts me and we made the promise never to go to sleep upset.

What do I think?
I think I'm blessed. I'm learning to open up in front of someone again. I'm learing that trust is possible and that honesty is the most important. I feel richer inside and calmer next to him. I stress sometimes too much because I want this to work. He understands and this makes me more willing to share and feel. This is a real relationship. Finally, I found out they do exist. This is one of them.
I feel our relationship is becoming stronger and stronger with every day. I'm in love.